Transcript

Dr. Jessica Peck talks about healthy habits for healthy families on American Family Radio

Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing hope for healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hello there, friends, and welcome to another fry Yay. Edition of the Dr. Nursemama Show. It is Friday. It is Ask Dr. Nurse Mama Friday, and we're talking about healthy habits for healthy families. If you've been following along since January, you know, every Friday we talk about a habit for healthy families. These are just simple science, supported scripture, supported daily rhythms, routines, disciplines that really will help your family grow together. There is no such thing as a perfect family, Definitely, mine included. But there is such thing as a healthy family. And God created us to have life. And Jesus told us in John, he. He came that we may have life and not just have life, but have it more abundant. we know in this world we will have trouble, but we can take heart because God has overcome the world. And I'm just thinking, you know, since we're surrounded by such a cloud of witness, let's throw off everything that hinders the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with perseverance the race that is marked out for us and for your family. Now in this world, again, we do have troubles and things that we encounter as we've been going through these healthy habits. We've been talking about simple spiritual disciplines, about communication, about rhythms, and we spent the whole summer talking about technology and trying to get in control of the habits that control our lives. And we've moved into a section where we're talking about safety. We all want to keep our families safe. Now, if you've missed any of these habits, you can go back and listen to any of the Friday shows. You can listen to the doctor nurse mama coaching, minutes at afr.net on the podcast, on any app. But we've been talking about safety. We talked about tech safety, sun safety safety, water safety, play safety. And this week, I want to follow up on a show that we had. On July 29, we had Nick Vujicic on Nick V Ministries. You may know him as an Australian man born with no arms or legs, who is called to be the hands and feet of Jesus. And we've been working through the champions for the brokenhearted. And on July 29, we talked about being champions for the abuse. Now, I've gotten lots of questions from that show, a lot of questions that parents have, because child abuse is something just strikes the fear in the heart of every family. And God has Not given us a spirit of fear, but a power and love and a sound mind. Today I'm, going to answer some of those questions about abuse and how we can protect our family. So buckle in. This is a tough topic to talk about, but one that's very important. We cannot just stick our heads in the sand and pretend that the enemy is not out there trying to prowl, trying to devour, to steal, to kill, to destroy. The enemy is out there, but what the enemy means for evil, God will use for good. So I want to adjust our listening audience. If you have little ears around, we're going to talk about some things that will need to be filtered by thoughtful parents. But I'm going to equip you to do that.

Today we're talking about body safety and keeping our kids safe from abuse

So having said that, let's go ahead and get started. Today we're talking about body safety and keeping our kids safe from abuse. Did you know that every year an estimated one in seven children in the United States experiences some form of abuse or neglect? Now, that's in a classroom, it's in a neighborhood, it's in churches, it's in schools. And the truth is, child abuse often hides in plain sight until it's too late. So today we are issuing a call to every parent, every caregiver, every community leader, every person who works with kids, who's invested in kids. We've got to be proactive, not reactive. So today, I'm going to walk you through some of the warning signs, what prevention looks like at home, and how you can build safe spaces where kids can thrive. Because some silence only protects the abuser, but your voice can help protect a child, and that child can be your child. We'll also talk through some of the emerging threats and ways that abuse can occur online and in other environments. So as we Talked about on July 29th with Nick V. Understanding abuse is really important. Awareness is really that first step. Knowing that abuse comes in many forms. Abuse can be emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, or spiritual. And most abuse is committed by someone the child knows and thinks they can trust. So that's important because we're always afraid of the scary stranger. We teach our kids stranger danger. That's important to do. But they're much more likely to be abused by someone they know than a stranger off the street. So that's really important. And children often don't tell because they're afraid. They're ashamed. They are manipulated, they are groomed. And so it can be very easy to trick a child into not telling anyone. So they're not keeping that from you. Intentionally. A lot of times they just don't know. It's important to also know that abuse can occur even in faith based environments. We have to be vigilant everywhere and not just assume our kids are safe somewhere. We've also got to use age appropriate language to explain what abuse is because we don't want to scare kids. We don't want to use fear based tactics. We don't want to expose them to nitty gritty details that they don't yet need to know. We can expose them in a developmentally appropriate and trauma informed way that helps equip them but doesn't scare them. Mainly we need to help our kids understand that their body belongs to them and they can say no to adults or other people who make them feel uncomfortable. So we need to teach the difference between surprises and unsafe secrets. Generally in my family we say we are a no secrets family. We do have some surprises that we have that we will keep as a surprise. But even that surprise is we're planning a surprise, you're going to know it. We don't have any secrets in this family. There's no whispering, there's no secret talk. We talk about the difference between secrets and confidentiality. Now sometimes you need to talk about things in a family m that not everyone needs to hear. No one needs to hear all of the details of some other kid getting in trouble. Sometimes those things are confidential. But there's a difference between confidentiality and secrecy. We need as parents to spot the signs. Early intervention can be literally life saving. So look for sudden signs. If your kid is suddenly withdrawing from things that they used to like if they're showing signs of anxiety or depression, they're having bad dreams, their appetite is changing, or they're regressing in behavior, all of a sudden they're really clingy, they're baby talking, they're maybe having accidents at nighttime. They're afraid of people they weren't afraid of before, places they weren't afraid of before. Those are things to pay to. We've got to stay connected. Spending intentional time with our kids every day. We are living at the speed of a smartphone and sometimes we miss those subtle cues. Seeing that, hey, something is quite off, but we just, it's like a little blip on the screen and we just let it go by. So ask open ended questions regularly. How is, how are things going this week? Anything you want to share with me? Anything out of the usual, unusual happen. And trust your gut because if something feels off, take it seriously. I emphasize enough how Important it is to build safe communication channels, creating an emotionally safe environment at home. No topic needs to be off limits. I've talked to kids so many times about uncomfortable things, many things about their body, how it's growing, how it's changing and they feel like, oh, my parents don't know about this or it's not proper or appropriate to talk to my parents about this. I tell my kids all the time, you can always tell me anything. You can always tell me anything. And until they are rolling, rolling their eyes and sighing at me and saying, I know mom, then I'm not satisfied. I will continue to say it and tell them, I will believe you, I will protect you. I trust you. Teach them and model for them emotional vocabulary so they can express how they feel. Saying, you seem scared, you seem nervous, you seem anxious. But most of all, give them assurance in their faith. Tell them God is a refuge, a very present help in time of trouble. And he is close to the brokenhearted when they experience breaches of their trust. Pray for and with your children regularly. Invite God into their fears and their questions and saying, we live in a broken world, but God loves you. God is for you. God has a plan for your life. God is your protector. He is your strong tower. He will hide you under his feathers. He will protect you. Those kinds of language are really important in a world where kids are trained to feel really scared. We've got to empower them by equipping them with boundaries and self worth. Empower them to recognize unsafe situations and practice how to respond. We need to reinforce God created them in his image. God knew them before the foundation of the world. God is forming their identity. Abuse is never ever their fault. Abuse is not their fault. And set clear family rules about body safety, how they interact online. And we'll talk about that more a little bit later. And so that, that's really important to, we need to teach them what to do when someone violates their boundary and makes them feel unsafe. And you, I tell my kids, you always come to me if anyone makes you feel in any way unsafe. Sometimes they just need some help in understanding that situation. And sometimes they truly are unsafe and I need to respond and I need to act.

Nick V Ministries is talking about keeping your kids safe from abuse online

We've got to as par parents be engaged in our kids online use. And a lot of parents ask me, do you monitor your kids phone use? And this is what I say, I say I pay. I say if I'm paying for that technology, I have a say in how they use it. They know that we have complete transparency in our tech use. And I can look at their phone just like they can look at mine and they can go through my text messages, they can go through. Now my kids are older of course, and so that's a little bit different in setting those boundaries. But they can see what I'm posting on social media or how I'm using technology and I have that same expectation for them. Now let me say a minute, for just a minute. If abuse happens, if a child discloses abuse and tells you they've experienced abuse, unsafe touch, any form of abuse, stay calm, believe them, thank them for telling you. It's very uncommon for kids to make an outcry that is false, that is, is very, very rare. Reassure them you're not in trouble, this is not your fault. And it's really important to say you've got to report that abuse to the appropriate authorities immediately. Know who that is in your state, what that is, whether it's the police, it's child Protective services, the Department of Family and Children's Services, whatever that is in your state or whatever it is in your employment, context. Make sure you know your role as a mandated reporter and certainly report any abuse happening to your and seek trauma informed counseling right from the get go from a Christian professional. You can go to the American association of Christian Counselors. Focus on the Family has a counselor finding service. It's really important to seek counseling right away, not just wait it out and try to do it on your own. This is a very serious event that can happen to children and walk with them in truth, not shame. Read scripture together that emphasizes God, emphasizes God's healing and love and tell them God is a restorer of broken hearts. We know that from Isaiah 60:1. Forgiveness is a process that frees us but doesn't excuse the abuser. That's from Romans 12. And Jesus came to give us an abundant life, not a life that is defined by trauma. That's from John 10:10. So we've got to just make sure we're looking at our child's ecosystem. Where are they in the community? Where are they in church? Advocate for, advocate for background checks and abuse prevention training in churches, school and extracurricular programs. Many churches are not required to have abuse training or prevention training or background checks and advocate for that that can be helpful. Go to nickvministries.org There are also a lot of resources there for you and you can look for hope for the abused. Ebook by Nick V Ministries. There are so many, so many resources available and I do want to say the Child Help National Child abuse hotline is 800-422-4453. Just know that you can look up the Child Help National Child Abuse hotline online. And as a parent, remember that you don't have to be perfect. You have to be present and get through these things together. God is the healer of all wounds, even those that we feel blindsided by. But you as a parent, are your child's greatest advocate. And you are not alone. Psalm 121:7 says, the Lord will keep you from all harm. He will watch over your life. And that is really important. When we come back, I'm going to talk specifically about keeping your kids safe from abuse online. Gone are the days where we just have to manage the small community where our children are physically present. Our children are experiencing predators who are looking for them online. So I'll take talk about how this happens and the statistics. We'll talk about gaming in particular and, some other online risk factors and how you can respond. Before we finish today, I will talk about body safety conversations and what we can learn from the purity culture movement. I'll see you on the other side of this break.

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>> Come Jesus Come by CeCe Winans : Sometimes I fall to my knees and pray Come, Jesus, come Let today be the day Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna break But I'm holding on to a hope that won't fade Come, Jesus, come We've been waiting so long for the day you return to heal every hurt and right every wrong. Come, Jesus, come,

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. Oh, that song is the cry of my heart today. That is. Come Jesus Come by CeCe Winans.

Today we're talking about being your child's protector against online abuse

Today we're talking about being your child's protector. I'm, answering questions about how to keep your kids safe from abuse. And sometimes as parents, we look around at this world and we can just feel overwhelmed, we can feel discouraged, we can feel defeated. But God has made us more than conquerors in Christ. He is for us, he is for our children. He is for our family. I encourage you to pray for your children as a first line of protection and then to talk to them to create environments at home where your kids can always come to you about anything. Today we're talking about keeping our kids, kids safe. And I want to talk to you about keeping them safe online. Because the digital world is part of everyday life, but it is where predators hide in plain sight. And if you're worried or fearful about online, I'm sorry to say that you should be. In my work as a professor, I mainly work in online exploitation, looking at that as an upstream as, as a, as a conduit to human trafficking. And I see the worst of the worst, and it does happen. But God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a power and love and a sound mind. However, having said that, one in five children receives an explicit solicitation online before the age of 18. One in five. I think this is actually low. I think some children don't know what that is and so can't report it. They just know something weird happened. And I think that it is underreported because it definitely is happening. Abuse can happen through chats, through games, through video calls, through apps. And it's happening in your home, right under your own nose. It's not happening in the grocery store next to the scary white van that is parked next to you. It's happening in your child's most sacred space in their bedroom, where thousands of strangers have access every night through online platforms. Now, it's not about fear. It's about equipping you to be a pro, proactive protector. So to do that, the first thing that we have to do is to know the risks. Today's digital world, it does offer incredible opportunity, but there is unprecedented access to your kids. And abuse online doesn't always look like what we expect it to. But the risks are hidden in those apps and platforms that kids are using every day. So we're looking for online grooming now Grooming is a process where an abuser builds trust with a child online with the intention of harming and exploiting them. That's really important. So predators often pose as teens, as peers their own age, as a friendly adult who, hey, I just share interest. I also like gaming, I like music. Oh, I'm just looking for mental health support too. And they gradually escalate those conversations from friendly to flirtatious to highly inappropriate. And grooming can happen in private messages, in gaming chats and social media, DMS and video calls. Now, according to the national center for Missing and Exploited Children, NCMEC for short, and I work with the director of the International center for Missing Exploited Children on a very regular basis, I know this to be very true. There were over 29.3 million reports of suspected child exploitation online to the cyber tip line in 2023. That's the latest report. We have 29.3 million reports. That's why I think the 1 in 5 is underestimated. The FBI estimates there are 500,000 predators online every day with the intent express of exploiting children. So things to watch for. Parents are spending too much time online being secretive about online activities, receiving gifts or money from unknown sources, or mentions of online friends that you have not met in person. You don't know who they are. I've talked about this threat before and again a reminder to adjust your listening audience for younger ears. But I have been raising the alarm about this, this over and over and I will continue to do so talking about sextortion. Now that's when someone online coerces your child into sending explicit images or videos, then threatens to expose them unless they send more, send money, comply with their demands. And that predator usually starts with a fake identity. And they trap kids by recording or saving one image or video. And boys are being increasingly targeted for this. And it's, it is these. When these children experience this, they feel trapped, they feel ashamed, they feel fearful. And that leads to depression, withdrawal and even life threatening emergencies, where they can't imagine living. And what I see a lot is not my kid. My kid would never listen. Good kids can make poor decisions, especially when we accelerate the timeline and amplify the risk with online environments. Sometimes times their thumb moves faster than the prefrontal cortex of their brain. Now, in 2022, the FBI and Homeland Security investigated over 7,000 reports of sextortion, primarily involving teen boys. And, and so we know that this is happening. Many are from criminal groups that are from other countries or they may use bots or Fake accounts to initiate content. And perpetrators are increasingly moving across platforms and they push them to apps, encrypted communication. So that's important to know. I'm also concerned about gaming. We need to recognize that there is a dark side of online gaming. Now, I know there can be great uses. There can be great games that are wholesome, that can connect families. I know families. I've heard from brothers who use that to communicate, play sports games. I'm. I am not saying that all gaming is bad, but we have to acknowledge there is a dark side. And we have unmoderated communications. And so many games have built in voice chat, direct messaging, group chats. And those tools are really often poorly moderated and especially in those games marketed to younger audiences. And predators can build trust under the guise of being a fellow gamer. I've gamed alongside you for many weeks or many months, so you start to feel safe. They can have anonymity and fake profiles because players can choose their username, their avatar, their avatar, and their profile. These things disguise their identity, their age, their gender, so they can really. There's no reliable way to verify who someone really is on a gaming platform. There's also access to large numbers of minors. We see games like Roblox, Minecraft, Fortnite among, us, attracting millions of children and teens every day. So where the children are, the predators are going to follow. And they actively target those spaces. And as parents, we kind of see that's that game is safe. It's just a game. It's Minecraft. And we don't realize it is also a social platform. And children can spend hours interacting with strangers without any supervision. We don't let them do that in real life, but somehow it's normal in an online space. And predators do not underestimate how quickly they can earn a child's trust through friendship or mentorship. They have. And there's tactics that are used. These are tactics to help your kids Be alert to friend requests from strangers, followed by direct M messages, voice chat, or request to transition to a different platform for communication. Or if they invite you to a private server to isolate communication. If they send gifts like game currency or flattery, and if they're encouraging secrecy, don't tell your parents or they'll delete your game.

Predators increasingly targeting online games and chat apps to find child victims

They also gradually desensitize kids. So start with jokes, then suggestive talk, then request for photos or videos. And sometimes this can happen remarkably quickly. Then the most severe form is coercion or threats. So once those images are shared, that your child may be blackmailed or threatened. And according to the FBI, again predators are increasingly targeting online games and gaming chat apps to find child victims. Thorne which is an organization that's dedicated to preventing child exploitation. They report that 41% of kids aged 9 to 12 have chatted with someone they don't know online. A bark report from 2024 analyzed over 4.5 billion messages and found sextortion threats, inappropriate content grooming behaviors. And we see in the UK some reporting that gaming platform abuse cases have increased 84% in two years. So that is something to watch for when we see platforms like Roblox that have a massive community of young users, external game servers and private messages. There can be, there can be danger there. And I could go through some of these, but all of all of them. What you're looking at is just some of these risk factors that I've just told you and I've shared before about a recent high profile report on Roblox in particular that came out last year. And you can go and read the report by Hindenburg Research. And I know this is a really, this is a really, really stark phrase that they used, but the investigative report called it a pedophile hellscape. That is the term they use. And they cited some very troubling examples, including groups that were openly trading exploitative content, roleplay games that were explicit and avatars named after infamous predators are some of the things that were there. They talked about the concerns, the report raised concerns about age verification, allowing adults to freely contact children, children, even those under nine. And in 2023 alone, Roblox itself self reported over 13,000 incidents of exploitation to the national center for Missing and Exploited Children, NCMEC that I talked about before and that is on the rise. And that's concerning to me because there are about 77, at the time of this report, about 77 million daily users and roughly 40% are under the age age of 13. And so that is concerning. Now Roblox says that it's a very low percentage that's flagged. But to me percentages are somewhat irrelevant. Even when we're talking about the one child. One child impacted is really important when you're talking about the sheer volume. We're talking about way more than one child. And that is really important to look at. And so I encourage you to go and look at that report. If your child is a regular user, look at the Hindenburg research report support and see specifically it will give you some insight into some of those specific ways that children are vulnerable and at risk. And when you read it, your heart will be gripped with terror, with horror, with disgust, all of those emotions that are there. But here's the important part of all of that. More than concentrating on and having our hearts distracted by all of those statistics, we need to respond in an informed way. The bottom line is know which games child plays and whether they contain chat or open voice features, you need to know that if your child is playing online games, you need to play together. I talk about this all the time in the context of digital media. Whether that's streaming content, whether that's engaging in social media, whether that's any feature of electronic use. Play together. Join your child in their gaming sessions to understand who are they interacting with, what content are they seeing, what does that look like? And use parental control. There are increasingly more parental controls and privacy settings that can limit messaging and access to mature content. Now that is much like putting a gate around a pool. If you have toddlers, many parents will use latches or gates to put that around the pool. Now that is not a foolproof solution. What that does is buy you time. It is just one hurdle that you can have that just creates a little more safety. Knowing that nothing is a hundred percent effective. But that can help. Again, if I haven't said it, talk regularly. Create open dialogue about digital boundaries. Teach your kids about exploitation tactics. Talk to them about what things to look for. These are warning signs that this is not a person you can trust. Now fear based tactics only work. Are effective in generating fear. They're not effective in changing behavior. So when we tell them, we tell them, hey, there are people online who mean you harm. There are people online who are not as they appear. Here's some things to watch for. If a person seems really, really nice, if they are sending you gifts, if they are saying things that make you feel uncomfortable, those are things you need to come and talk to me about. Now I didn't, you know, just say, well, you should know there's a predator out there and they're, they're going to kidnap you and take you up somewhere. Those things generally are met with scoffing because kids developmentally are wired to think, hey, I know bad things happen, but not to mention me. So that's important to do so. Encourage reporting and transparency. Make sure kids know they can report things that are inappropriate. They can know how to block users. If you go to cyberbullying.org cyberbullying.org there's a guide on there that will tell you how to report to every platform. So that's really important. So basically, know the game's features, play the game together, use the parental control features, talk early and often encourage the reporting whenever they see anything that's inappropriate. And watch for signs of concern in your own kids. The bottom line is that gaming should be fun. It should not be dangerous. but predators go where kids are. And right now that includes the digital battlefields, the pixelated cities, and VR hangouts of all of the gaming world. But with intentional conversations and boundaries and involvement, parents can keep their kids safer, wiser, and more confident online. It's important for parents to know that those predators can have psychological manipulation and that they can seem like a safe space. But I am the safe, space in your life. God is the safe space in your life. And if anyone ever tells your kids, don't tell your parents, tell them to automatically respond. I tell my parents everything. I tell my parents everything. My kids. Kids did this. More on this when we come back. And I will tell you about how to have some, some conversation with your kids about body safety and some impacts of purity culture. We'll talk about that when we come back after this break.

From the very start, it seems that these books had a level of authority

Here's Dr. Michael Kruger from the American Family Studios documentary the God who Speaks.

>> Dr. Michael Kruger: From the very start, it seems that these books had a level of authority. And a good example of this is Paul's own letters. When Paul wrote, he wrote with the authority of an apostle. An authority of an apostle is one who speaks for Jesus. And so he spoke in his writings with the highest possible authority you could speak with. He was speaking, in one sense, the words, words of God to people. And people received it as such. They were to obey Paul's letters. They were to follow Paul's letters as the words of Christ. They were to read Paul's letters publicly. So the idea that these books started off just as, occasional letters or historical documents, and that only slowly, gradually, over time, did they gain authority of scripture, I don't think is borne out by the historical evidence. The evidence indicates that the authors knew they were writings scripture, and the early church received it as scripture from a very early time. Visit thegodwhospeaks.org.

>> Turn by Ben Fuller: I even drove past the bar. Turns out I'm not strong as I thought, but that's when I learn that you are. When I'm weak, you are strong. When I fall short, you go on and on. When I run, I can't run long. Cause your love will chase me down Till I got nowhere to turn but Jesus. I'll Turn it all over Let you turn it around Turn it around Screaming my prayers to heaven I turn it all over Won't you turn it around Turn it around.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends that is Turn by Ben Fuller.

Ask doctor nursemama Friday focuses on being your child's protector

And sometimes the world can seem so broken. All we can do is just ask God to turn it around. And such as today on this very important episode of Ask doctor nursemama Friday, where we're talking about being your child's protector. That is our prescription for hope today. We live in a world where we're afraid of people who want to harm our children, but we can be their protector. God has equipped us to help them, to protect them, and to help them when the unspeakable happens. No one wants to believe it could happen close to home. But child abuse doesn't just happen in the news headlines or distant places. It happens in our communities, in our schools, our churches, even our own families. And research shows that 90% of abused children know their abuser. It's not a stranger. Now, this episode isn't meant to instill fear. It's designed to equip and empower you. And today we're going to break down some facts, dispel, tell some myths, but most importantly, give you practical tools to protect your kids and support others who may be suffering in silence. Because prevention begins with awareness and action.

60% of abuse survivors report being abused in institutions where adults were trusted

Now, when we're looking at abuse that happens, sadly, it can happen in the church, in faith based settings. And many families turn to churches for community, for moral guidance, for a safe environment for their kids. Churches are promoting high trust relationships. We trust those adults who care for our kids because we share values. But that trust can be exploited. An abuse in faith context is uniquely harmful. It's even more harmful than abuse that happens outside of those faith contexts because it violates spiritual trust and it often goes unreported. So let's talk about, talk about it about the scope of this problem. 60% of abuse survivors report being abused in an institution where adults were trusted, including churches. We all know about the headlines that are going on about different denominations. We see the Catholic Church alone has paid out over $3 billion in abuse settlements in the US since the 1980s, according to what I could see that was reported online. Of course, Protestant denominations, evangelical church churches have also been reporting increased cases. There was a report by the Houston Chronicle that started the Shining the light on that. But we know that abuse happens across denominations, in small and large churches, urban and rural. And sometimes that abuse can happen specifically by clergy, by volunteers, by older youth, and sometimes that Abuse is marked as masked as religious discipline or obedience. Obedience. And sometimes it can be neglect in faith based childcare or ministry settings. And sometimes grooming is masked as mentoring or discipleships. Now why are churches high risk environments? Well, for one thing, we have a high level of trust and a low level of oversight because adults are often given authority without scrutiny. Oh, that's a man of God, that's a woman of God. Oh, that's a leader. That's a pillar of the community. And community, they're, they're reluctant to believe or investigate allegations because it seems so implausible and it affects their feeling of security. And we also see that clergy and leaders often have spiritual, emotional or social power over children and families. Those abuse survivors may be silenced with scripture, misused, you have to submit, you have to forgive. Touch, not God's anointed one, those kinds of things. And in some churches there can be a lack of safeguarding policies. They don't have formal child protection policies policies or background checks or abuse training. And there's a lot of informal volunteer roles. Now this is an environment that a predator would find favorable and they would seek out that for grooming. Now grooming is a pattern of gaining access. It's gaining access, isolating and manipulating a child. It can be masked as mentorship. They might use prayer or scripture or leadership links language. Parents can be groomed too, because abusers build trust with families to lower the level of suspicion.

Choose churches with clear safeguarding policies, advocate for good policy

So what can parents do? Let me give you some action steps for prevention here. First, pray for your kids. Always, always. After that, choose churches that have clear safeguarding policies. Don't be afraid to be that parent who asks, do you do background checks? What is your training for staff and volunteers? What are the safety protocols? You have the basic things like making sure that an adult is never one on one the child. Ask direct questions. Who is allowed to be alone with my child? Are there cameras in the children's area? How do you handle abuse allegations? And then stay involved in your child's church life? Drop off and pick up in person. Pop in unannounced. That's a great way to just check in and see what's happening. Volunteer regularly. Be visible in your child's ministry environment and ask your child about their experience interactions. How do leaders treat them? How they, how do they feel about it? And we've got to teach our kids body safety, and boundaries. Using age appropriate language to teach them not about good touch and bad touch. Because when they experience what they call bad touch, they feel like it is bad touch, because I am bad. But if we teach them safe versus unsafe touch, then they know, know that unsafe touch makes me feel unsafe. I am, not bad. It makes me feel unsafe. That's important. And we need to let our kids that no one, absolutely no one, the lead pastor, their leader, their friend, no one can override their safety. You as their parent are in charge of that. And they can always tell you anything. And their parent is ultimately responsible for determining whether their child is safe or not. Empower them to say no. Say no, I don't like that. No, I don't feel comfortable with that. No, I don't want that. And to come to you immediately with any concerns. And this is important when we talk about, you know, give this person a hug, give them a kiss when they don't want to. It's confusing to them because we tell them and it's okay for us as parents to take on that embarrassment and just say, we're not. We're doing hands, right? Handshakes today, we're doing fist bumps today. We're waving today to say hello. Empower them to refuse that physical contact and take their allegations seriously. Believe them. Don't minimize them. Don't over spiritualize it. Don't say, I'm sure they would never, they're such a holy person. Don't, don't say, I'm sure that you just misunderstood that. Really take the time to investigate it and find out what exactly is making them feel uncomfortable. And, and of course abide by those mandatory reporting laws in your state. It should always be reported to the appropriate authorities. Not all churches are unsafe, but all churches should be held accountable. And faith based communities can be part of the solution because when they commit to transparency and prevention and care for survivors, it creates a safe space where kids can be safe and where they can heal when their safety has been violated. So don't let fear isolate your family. Let trust blind you to risk your voice matters. Ask those hard questions, advocate for good policy and model safety in your own home.

One of the harms that came from church culture that was completely unintentioned

And one of the harms that came from church culture that was completely unintentioned has come from purity culture. And we know if you grew up in the 90s and the 2000s that you know this is really important because there was a good intent behind the purity culture movement. It was a desire to honor God with our bodies that we're commanded to do. And for First Corinthians 6, it was a countercultural conviction in a world full of permissiveness and anything goes and just you know, be free and you do you and live your truth and you know what's right is right for you. Purity culture really tried to offer a different way and gave guardrails for protection. Maybe that was boundaries or accountability or intentional dating or courting. And it really pointed to kids identity in Christ, the call to be set apart, not conform to cultural standards. All of us are quoting Romans 12:2 right now, or you should be. But here were some unintended harms that came from that. It really embraced a shame based messaging platform where it framed our sexuality in terms of danger or sin rather than beauty and purpose that God created. And it left many with a deep shame if they messed up because it was such a tangible consumable thing that once it was gone, it was gone on. And there was this binary view of purity purity like you have it or you don't and if you don't have it you can never get it back. And it treated it more like a trophy kind of to brag about rather than pursuing a lifelong journey of integrity. And kind of created a feeling of a damaged goods narrative for those who had past experiences or trauma or abuse. Because kids many times cannot differentiate from that. And I can't tell you how many times I've sat with a child who's been abused who wonders what God thinks of them and what God thinks of their purity. And that is that should be the least of their concerns. The purity culture also put a disproportionate burden on girls where messaging was, was really overemphasized on don't tempt males or it's important to be modesty and you really carry the burden of that and that that could be harmful. And it focused on abstinence but not so much discipleship. It left out God's vision for what does that look like. Enter into a marriage relationship and really kind of prioritize legalism over relationship. That external behavior modification rather than the spirit led conviction of your heart, your thoughts, your intent and a better framework we're seeing that emerge. Talk about integrity that's rooted in wholeness. Looking at, we're not defined by our past, whatever that might be. God's mercy makes us new every day. We, we know that. 2nd Corinthians Lamentations 3 one of my favorite verses in the Bible. Our God's mercies are new every mo morning and it values wholeness over performance. It's not just a one time status that we have. Integrity is a lifelong journey of alignment with God's design for us. And it involves spiritual and relational and physical integrity. It incorporates the role of the Holy Spirit. Hey, pursuing holiness, you can't do it on your willpower alone. Especially teenagers and their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, where their decision making is not the best, but they can learn to walk in step with the spirit and to know that God created our sexuality. It's not shameful, it's not secret, but it is sacred. And that's the message that we need to be given. Encouraging open and honest, age appropriate conversations. It also allows a path for grace that God offers healing for our stories. Whether whether it's sin or abuse or whatever it is, we are called to walk in light, not hide in shame. And so we also are inviting accountability rather than control. The purity culture really put it in the hands of parents to control that rather than teaching kids to be self controlled. And so we've got to just model authenticity, model grace, hold God's standard, pursue God's best. Not perfect perfection, but purpose. That's so important. Shifting from rules to relationship, from purity pressure to gospel centered transformation. And one of the ways that we can do that is by talking with our kids about, body safety. And I want to close with this because parents feel so uncomfortable. Nothing makes them feel more uncomfortable than talking to kids about their bodies. But we've got to, because God made them and they are made in his image. Image. So we need to teach kids, your body belongs to you. God made your body. It is good. It is special. No one has the right to touch your body without your permission, not even someone you know. And so we teach them if someone tries to touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, it is okay to say no, even to an adult, even to a teacher, even to a leader. It is always okay to say no to physical touch. If you feel uncomfortable. And if that happens, happens, you come and talk to me about it so that I can help you figure it out. We also need to teach them private parts are private and use the right terms m so that they have language for that. They can report it if needed. And you can tell them something like, private parts are the parts of your body covered by a swimsuit. Nobody should touch or look at those parts unless it's to keep you healthy. Like if we're going to a, healthcare appointment and teach them safe touch. Safe touch helps you feel cared for. Like a hug from a parent. Unsafe touch hurts you or confuses you. So if a touch ever feels yucky or weird or wrong or unsafe, you should Always tell me. And tell them about. Not to keep secrets, that I don't ever keep secrets. My kids know this. And if they say, you have to keep this from your parents, even in the context of a life group at church, they would say, then I need to excuse myself because I've made a commitment to always tell my parents everything. Now, I know that that's not always going to happen, but creating. Creating that culture where they know it's okay is important. You can always talk to me. You can always tell me anything. I, will believe you. You won't be in trouble, and it's never your fault. Someone hurts you. And say these three words loud and clear. No. Go and tell. No. If someone tries to make you feel uncomfortable, go. Get away from that person and tell a trusted adult right away. We tell them, God created you and loves you so much. He wants you to feel safe and protected. If anything ever makes you feel safe or unscared, then talk to me. Children are strong, but they were never meant to protect themselves. That's why it is our job. And we can do that when we show up and we talk to our kids with courage and compassion, they get to grow up without fear. Listen, wherever you are in this. May the Lord bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you. And I'll see you right back here next time. The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.