Transcript

Dr. Jessica Peck is prescribing Hope for Healthy Families on American Family Radio

Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite time of day, getting to spend time with you, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. It was so great to be in studio this week, and now I am back in my home state of Texas. And thank you. Thank you to all of those who showed me great hospitality. I'm so grateful to be a part of the American Family Radio family. It really is a wonderful way for us to be able to serve you, our listeners. And I am so glad that you are here. Thank you so much. I know we have a lot of regular listeners who listen in every single day, and if you're just dropping by, you are welcome, too. And on this show, our mission is to prescribe Hope for healthy families. And we do that every single day. And sometimes we talk about things that are. Seem fun and lighthearted but really are causing issues in families, like the Declutter Diaries. We've been having that series. And then sometimes we talk about some of the heavier things in life. And today is going to be one of those days. But this is a very important topic that is near and dear to my heart, and so I hope that you will stay. We are going to be talking about death and grief and loss today. This is something that impacts a lot of families, and we will be talking about suicide as well. So I just want to let you know that right up front. But there is always hope, and we will provide that for you. Today, we're going to tell you a story that has help and hope on the way. I am talking today to Claudette Mendoza, and she is going to share her story. She's a speaker. She is a life coach. She is a founder of a ministry called the Comeback Collective, a movement helping women rebuild their lives after loss and disruption. And we're going to talk about those things because I know this is something that impacts families all over. I have been personally impacted by grief and loss related to this, and I know that many of you have as well. And, Claudette, we're so grateful to have you here. Thank you so much for joining us this afternoon.

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: Oh, it is absolutely my pleasure. I'm so honored to be here today.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, I am honored. I've heard you speak, I've heard you share your story, and I know that it is going to hold such, hope for our listeners.

Claudette's husband told his parents that he was suicidal in 2017

And, Claudette, I know that you Know, you are also a Texas girl, and even more than that, an H town girl, a Houston girl, just like me. So I have to feel like, you know, we have to have that little obnoxious moment here today, because people who aren't from Houston don't understand what a great city Houston is. We have great food, we have great sports, and most importantly, we have great people. It is a generous city. And even though the humidity is like, you know, 2,000%, it is a great place to live. But we. We both live in Houston. And you grew up. And you grew up kind of having, what I would say is like a fairy tale life. You know, you married your college sweetheart, you knew him from elementary, you got married, you had kids together, and you were just living life. And I'll let you say whatever you want to say about that, but there came a, season in the fall of 2017 when your life took a very, very unexpected turn.

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: Well, it really did. I was blessed, and I. I really feel like I did have such an amazing life. I used to think, gosh, I'm so blessed. I. I have so many things to be thankful for. I was born and raised in Houston, had amazing parents that were educators. I have a sister, had amazing friends, did sports, did cheerleading. M. Went to University of Houston, made amazing friends. And that's where I re. Met my husband, Mark. We had gone to elementary school together, but we went to different junior highs and different high schools, reconnected during college and dated during college, and, you know, did the typical American family life. You know, got married and bought a house and had some kids, and, really had an amazing close marriage, close family, close friends. but in 2017, I really started to notice my husband was acting different. we owned our own company. It was a commercial janitorial company, that we had started back in 2001 when my oldest was maybe 4 and my son was newborn. So it was stressful time. But we started our own company. We were blessed. It was very fruitful. But I started noticing him not going to work. I noticed, he really was struggling with sleeping, not sleeping really. kind of attached to me. Increasingly got a little bit more paranoid. in the midst of that. My dad started not feeling well in 2017, this summer. so we were in and out of the hospital with my dad, which was my main focus. Just trying to figure out what was going on with my dad. I was a big time daddy's girl. that's why I love sports the way that I do, because he Took me into sports and events. And, I was a. I was a daddy's girl. he started getting sick, trying to help with that. So I really was focused on that, trying to raise children. So maybe I missed some of the signs in 2017, but in the beginning of September of 2017, my husband did tell me, and he told his parents that he was suicidal. So from that started, obviously, trying to go to doctor's appointments, trying to go to therapy appointments. I mean, I had no idea. I thought maybe he had a sleep disorder. I thought maybe he had a brain tumor. I mean, you name it, we did it. but he increasingly just went. Went downhill. So on October 25, 2017, I was at the hospital with my dad. I called Mark and was talking to him about some things. And then he. He never texted me back. He never texted me back. And it was unusual for us to be apart, because I was trying so hard to keep such laser focus on him. But he had to go home and kind of help with the kids to get home from school and such, and couldn't get in touch. Couldn't get in touch. And really, honestly, in the pit of my stomach, I knew. And I said, dad, I'll be right back. I have to go. And I jumped in the car, and I could see on. Find my friend that he. He was parked in the back of our neighborhood. And I drove back there, and his truck was there. He was not in the truck. But I. I just called 911 because I knew with. Especially with his behavior that whole year just right by my side all the time, to not answering me. So, without going into all of the details, but the police came, and he was found that night around midnight, and he had ended his own life.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Claudette, I cannot even imagine because it just seems like, like you said, this just came out of left field. It just really, And it often is. It often blindsides families. That's what I see in the aftermath. Having worked with a lot of families who have experienced this, whether it's their husband, their wife, their spouse, their parents, their child, I've worked with a lot of families who have experienced similar circumstances. As to what you're describing, just feeling blindsided by this sudden presentation and then just stricken by grief. And not only that, you still were dealing with your dad being extremely ill, and then he did pass 10 days later. Claudette, what were those early days like in that moment of grief? I think this is really important for people who haven't been there, because other people who come and want to respond. They. Many times they want to respond, but they don't know what to do.

The early days are tough because you're just in shock

And I think it would be helpful to know what your mindset was and how it would be helpful for people to step in in those early days of crisis mode.

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: The early days are tough because you're. I really do believe God gives your mind and your body. He puts it in a state of shock because there is no way to truly comprehend what just happened to you and to your family. And you're just in shock. It is. You are just going through the motions. That's the best way I could describe it. I was blessed to have a lot of people help me and support me. However, when I reflect back on those early days and I reflect back on my husband's funeral, my dad's funeral, I don't really remember very much of it. I really remember more the support that I got six months, a year later, two years later, even the support that I receive now. But it's. It's hard because you don't know what to say. I didn't know what to say to people who had gone through a loss like this. and there really is nothing you can say except that you are loved and you are prayed for and you hold that person's hand and you sit next to them, and you're not going to fix it. You don't have to come up with magical words. Your presence and your prayers and your love is what that person needs. That's what I needed, and I'm so thankful that I had that during that time.

Claudette, you've been very transparent about how Mark died

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, Claudette, I think, you know, with everybody knowing, and you've been very transparent from the very beginning about how Mark died. And I think there's a certain shame that is carried with that. You know, it's not treated in the same way as someone who died in an accident or of an illness or that kind of thing. And you have shared before about that, kind of weighing that and feeling the weight of that. And how did you come to a place where you could share that? Because I want to say very, very clearly, there should be no shame and stigma and that. And if you are someone who's experiencing the loss of a loved one to suicide, I just want you so much to be relieved of any guilt that you feel, because so often you go back and what if? And what if. And what if. And there has to be release from the guilt of that. And I think stepping into that, recognizing that, you know, Mark had a sickness, just like someone would have a physical Sickness. It is a physical sickness that happens there.

There is stigma or maybe some shame associated with suicide

But I want you to talk about. I think you. I've heard you share one specific story about someone who saw you in a grocery store. So I want you to kind of walk us through the continuum of that and how it really helped when someone just spoke into your life.

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: Well, you're right, there is stigma or maybe some shame that people carry when it comes to suicide. And that's something that was extremely, extremely hard for me and my family. You know, we. We raised our kids in a. In a suburb to where not everybody knew us, but a lot of people knew us. And I felt that everybody knew my story. Almost felt like a fish in a fishbowl. And, you know, I would talk to people or hear people talking about my situations of things that weren't true. I mean, it's. People think, were they having financial problems, were there marital problems, things of that nature. So it's very difficult to have going through this type of grief and worrying about what other people are thinking. And, you know, that's something that I've really, really had to work on. But, you know, I just remember I. I did not want to go to the store. I did not want to go in public. my son was still a, sophomore in high school. He played football. And I didn't want to go the games. I wanted to see him play, but I didn't want to be around anyone because I knew that people knew my deepest, darkest pain. And so it's just very. It's very daunting to have to go back into public and start living your life. But I just remember one time, she friend of mine, I didn't really know her very well. We volunteered together for an animal rescue group. And I was walking to my car and got in my car. I didn't see her, but she saw me and just came and knocked on the window and said, you know, I haven't seen you in a long time, but. And I. I don't know exactly what to say, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I couldn't let this moment pass. Seeing you and not just letting you know that I've been thinking about you and that that meant the world to me. you know, because we. We think and, and I fell victim to this before that, you know, what's going on with the family or, or what you would do in that situation. And man, has that opened my eyes that, that you really, really don't until it's. It's your Turn. It's your turn. At the front row of the funeral, it's your turn with pain and groove. Grief. It's. It's very different when it, when it's your turn.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, Claudette, when we talk about shame and stigma, how I think about stigma is it's placing someone else in an imaginary social category because you have to make yourself feel safe. You're trying to. When something happens, whether it's an accident or an illness or anything like that, we start to think, our brains start going a million miles a minute. I think this is one of the reasons why there's an obsession with true crime stories, because you think through and you think, okay, well, I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have gone there. And you're just looking for something that separates you, that makes you different. I think that's almost why people want there to be a financial problem. Like, oh, okay, see, they had a financial problem. I don't. So now I feel safe. Oh, see, they had problems in their marriage. I. I don't. So that makes me feel safe. Oh, see, they went to this therapy. I wouldn't have done that. Oh, they did this. I wouldn't have done that. Now I feel safe. And it really is such a self serving as a coping mechanism, but it is unhealthy and it is harmful to others. And when we come back, we will give you some help and some hope on how you respond in a way that doesn't trigger that kind of shame and stigma that recognizes someone else at their point of need. And we'll talk about Claudette's turning point where her journey in grief started to turn to healing and how she is helping other women to do the same. So empowering. I hope that you'll join us again after the break. We'll see you in just a minute.

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Claudette Brown Mendoza lost her husband to suicide in 2017

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. We are listening to that Jesus does by we the kingdom. And that is what Jesus does. He meets us in our point of need, wherever we are. And on some days, we meet the unimaginable. And that's what we're talking about today. We are talking to Claudette Mendoza, who is the founder of the Comeback Collective, helping women overcome grief and take back their life. She has just shared her deeply personal story of losing her beloved husband Mark to suicide in 2017. We are talking about that grief. And before the break, Claudette, we were talking about that and about some stigma.

Stigma is an unhealthy coping mechanism used to deal with fear of bad events

And it reminded me about something, and I wanted to give you the definition of stigma, say that I had written. Actually, when I wrote about this in my book Behind Closed Doors, I said, stigma is an unhealthy coping mechanism used to deal with our fear that something bad will happen to us or someone we love. Stigma at its core is simply social rejection. And we place someone in a different imaginary category based on a characteristic that we see as threatening to our construct of security. And one of the ways I want to be really instructive for our audience, because one of the ways is when we hear about someone dying by suicide, we hear questions like, how did they do it? Or, oh, I saw that coming, or, what a shame. Or, how did you not know? Or, why in the world would they do that? Or, how could they do that? Those kinds of questions, those are all indicative of our unhealthy processing instead of, I'm so sorry. That must be so hard. I'm so sorry to hear this. How are you feeling? This news is so shocking. It's so sad. I'm here for you whenever you need me. And just as Claudette said that her friend said to her at the grocery store parking lot, I don't know what to say, but I want to tell you that you are prayed for and you are loved. Those are the kinds of things that we need to say. And that's important because our kids are listening and they are getting clues and cues from us on how to respond that. And so Claudette, you know, I. I know you must have just been in survival mode for so long. Just dealing with the grief of losing your father, losing your husband within 10 days of each other, having a business that you own, trying to step in and figure out, like, what does that look like? What do you do with that? Having two children who still very much needed their mother, who still needed to go to school and do all of the things and. And when I've heard you share your story before, I heard you share a moment, about some puppies and some puppy therapy and being outside. So I would love for you just to kind of share how that transitioned and. And where that moment came from, where you thought, okay, I might make it through this.

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: Well, again, the puppies are a cute story. They're eight years old now, but they're. We still call them the puppies because the kids said, mom, can we please get a puppy? And I said, you can have whatever you want at this point. So we were gonna get one, but we ended up getting two. Well, actually, we got three. my sister took one. But, you know, we had these puppies, and they really brought some joy and happiness into our home. Our home. Even though it was a safe refuge, it was. It was sad. It was hard to be there, but yet then we wanted to be there. So there's a lot of conflicting emotions being in our home, but the puppies, you know, every day it was having to get up and take them outside and to feed them. and you're right, I did have to go back to work and run our company, so they were really a refuge. But, I do remember another very good friend of mine, Scarlett Brent. She came over after everything happened, and she had lost her mother in high school. And she told me how one day she went to school, and she hadn't really thought about her mom passing away yet. You know, it'd been several. Several months. And I just remember thinking, I cannot wait for that moment to where this is not all consuming my body, my soul, my mind, everything I do. I cannot wait for that moment. And that is the story I like to share is just. You know, when I would wake up, it was almost a reverse. You would have it. You know, you used to have a bad dream, or I used to have a bad dream. And I'd wake up and think, oh, thank gosh. It's not. It's not real. This was the opposite. You know, I would wake up and think, I. That this is not a bad dream. This is reality. And that grief hits you like a ton. Of brick. It's sitting on your chest. And I remember, you know, getting up, taking the puppies out. This was months and months later. And I took the puppies out, and they're playing, and I heard the bird sing. And I remember just sitting there, and it. About 10 minutes had passed before I thought, what about what had happened? And I was so thankful to God for those 10 minutes, those 10 minutes of sitting outside, hearing the birds. And I had. We had a pool, and I could hear the water flowing. I just can't even tell you the gratefulness and the praise to God that I felt having a reprieve from grief.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Claudette, I cannot imagine that. I mean, just even hearing you say that, it just. It gives me goosebumps and just you know, just really stills my heart. Because I think about, for one, it's. It's so truly admirable that you were at gratitude for that, that that was what you were grateful for. Because I think, you know, when you think about before, the before and after, I'm sure your life is divided into before and after. And thinking about this, you know, you. You. Your bar for gratitude is much, much higher, you know, and the things that you want to be grateful for and the things that you complain about. How does that transition look like for you, as in Claudette, as a person, in, healing in that way and seeing that transformation? And how in the world did you hold on to your faith and all of that?

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: Well, really, you know, I. I did. When my husband told me he was suicidal, I started seeing a therapist because I didn't know how to handle that situation. you know, but afterwards, I did seek pastoral care with our church. And my pastor, Dr. Brian Haynes, gave me the absolute best advice I've ever received, because I would talk to him, and I would say, I'm, I cannot believe I'm not a wife anymore. I'm not a daddy's girl anymore. I. I don't know what to do with that. I took such pride and, in being a wife, and it was ripped from me. And same with being a daddy's girl and having a dad. And, you know, he said something that, again, changed my life. He said, the only title that you need to worry about is to be a child of God. We're so worried about titles in our life. But that was the one thing I thought. That is it.

Claudette says communication is key when dealing with grief

And he also told me that when I wake up in the morning, I was so, as you can imagine, worried with, how do I run this company? How do I take care of this house by myself, the cars. My daughter was going to college. I had my widowed mother I was taking care of and helping clean out her house and go through my dad's things. The red tape and nightmare that you go through when your husband passes away unexpectedly, bills, getting your name off of things, getting your name on things. Then I had my in laws, who also lived about 10 minutes away, and my father in law had Parkinson's. So it was unbelievable. and he told me, when I was telling him everything I had on my plate, he said, the only thing I want you to focus on when you get up in the morning is, lord, how can I serve you? And in that moment when my life was chaos, it makes things very, very simple. You have two choices. You serve the Lord, you follow him every day, or you don't. And when you do, this noise becomes more in the background. And I was so thankful for that. And that is truly how I started putting one foot in front of the other. I would wake up and think, God, what do you have in store for me today? How can I serve you with the people that are in front of me? And that's what I did. And that is what helped me start putting my life back together and moving forward.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: It's, it is just absolutely awe inspiring to sit back and watch. But you're right, when you put it into such simple terms, you can either trust or not, you can either move forward or you can stay in the past. But staying in the past, Claudette, I mean, how do you get to that point where you're not looking back and thinking what ifs and wishing for, you know, life as it was when it can never be again compared to going forward? And here, clearly you are now. And it has not been an easy road and it has not been a quick road, but here we see the evidence of the healing in your life. Claudette, you said, I will trust. I will wake up and say, lord, how can I serve you? I will concentrate on just saying, I am a child of God. That's the only identity I need. And look at, ah, where you've come and, and look at how far you've come. What, what did that look like? Especially in bringing your kids along with that? Because I know everybody grieves differently and everybody grieves at different times. How did you manage that and putting your family back together?

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: Well, you know, grief is not linear. It's not this race that we walk and we get to the finish line. That's not how this works. And we're approaching the eight year mark. And there are still, and there will always be issues and that we have to face as a family with grief. And you're absolutely right. Everybody grieves differently. there will always be things that we need to talk about. So communication is key. It is absolutely imperative that you are always communicating with your family. I did the, the what ifs, I, I did that for a very long time. But through a lot of therapy work, I joined, survivors of suicide group and I, I've learned a lot about suicide. In retrospect, I can look back on some things, but I didn't know, I didn't know at the time. I did the best I could at the time. I didn't know. Now I really am an advocate for it because I will hear people say things that, about suicide that aren't necessarily true. Like I'm worried about my husband. He would never do that to our kids. But I don't think they would be suicidal. Those are very false, myths that people believe. And I've had, a lot of work with my survivors of suicide group. But it is a communication, you know, it is. How do you want to handle the holidays? How do you want to handle your graduation? How do we want to handle this birthday? How do we want to handle the anniversary of dad's death? Do we want to go to the cemetery? Do we want to talk about it? How is everybody feeling? But it's also a charge because my kids were becoming young adults, that that's where they are now, you know. And it is a little bit of tough love as well. And that's something that I bring to the Combat Collective is it is your responsibility to move forward in this. There's no one that can do this for you. And yes, you can get help from other people and people can do nice things for you and listen, but it's your responsibility to move through something like this, whether it's the death of your husband, child spouse, friend, divorce, a major life event. So everybody has to carry the responsibility of putting in the work for themselves. So, that's definitely how we've, we've progressed, I think as far as we, we have. But you know, this is something that doesn't go away. it does change you. You do think about the before and the after. And for a long time, man, I prayed and wish. God, I wish I could go back to my old life. My old life. My old life. The simplicity of my old life. And when I was in my old life, I thought it was stressful I really did. but I think now, gosh, what I wouldn't do for my nuclear family to be intact. And even though there's so much joy and happiness that we've experienced, it's always going to be there. And that is something very key for people who are grieving. It is learning how to move forward. Like, this happened to me, but it doesn't define me, and I have a purpose in my life. God did not create me to grieve the rest of my life. He did not create me to lay in bed and pull the covers over my head. Now, if you have to do that, and you will, that's fine, but that is not what you were created to do in this life. So, there's some responsibility in tough love is you gotta really work through this to move forward. It's not easy.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I can't even imagine. And the advice that I always say is that, you know, what happened to you, whether whatever kind of trauma or tragedy you may have experienced. There are so many times, Claudette, where we can say, it was not our fault. This was not your fault. Mark's death was not your fault. But your healing journey is your responsibility. And I think we can learn so much from you as a woman who has taken that up with strength and dignity. I'm thinking of all the things from Proverbs 31, Claudette, which I'm sure you're probably thinking like, no, that is not how you feel most days.

Ruth and Naomi share a story of grief in the Bible

But that is what I see. I see that fruit in your life and looking and. And knowing that God created you for a purpose and that he can make beauty from ashes. I think of the story of grief in the Bible of Ruth and Naomi, who, you know, Ruth lost her husband. Naomi lost her husband and her son. And Naomi took a very different path of grief than Ruth did. Ruth decided to serve Naomi. She woke up every day thinking, how can I serve her mother in law? And through that, God blessed her with a kinsman, Redeemer. And then she is named in the lineage of Christ. And Ruth, when I look back at that story, she actually changed her. Her name Tamara, which means bitter. But by the end of that story, when she sees Ruth and how Ruth's response to grief has been so transformative. Part of that story is she changes her name back to Naomi, which I think is absolutely beautiful. And when we come back. We're coming up on our next break here.

Claudette, how do you honor the past while living in the present

Claudette, I want to. I really want you to speak into. How do you honor the past because you love Mark. He is your kid's father and you want to honor him and you always want to honor their dad and know that their name, his name is spoken at the same time. You have found love and you have remarried and you have the before and the after. You have a future that you're going to. How do you honor the past while living in the present? And you're so good at this. You have convicted me so much about living in the present. We're going to talk about that. And we're also going to talk about the Comeback Collective. I know that if you're listening, either you need this or someone you know needs this. And this may be that catalyst to your future to say to your healing journey to say, I can't. Life can be good again. We have so much more when we come back, like with Claudette Mendoza. I cannot wait to share more with you. You're not going to want to miss it. We'll see you on the other side of this break.

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>> Take You At Your Word: Benjamin William Hastings and Cody Carnes: Your word is a lamp unto my feet. Your way is the only way for me. It's a narrow road that leads to life but I wanna be on it. It's a narrow road and the mercy's wide. 'Cause you're good on your promise. I'll take you at your word. If you said it, I'll believe it. I've seen how good it works. If you start it you'll complete it I'll take you at your word

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is take you at your word by Benjamin William Hastings and Cody Carnes. And that is what we are doing. We are taking God at his word, even in the midst of grief, even in the midst of lost. And what we're doing today. Our prescription for hope today is reimagining life after loss. So often when you experience loss, whatever it may be, loss of a relationship, loss to death, death, loss of anything, to trauma, trial, tragedy, it can be really hard to imagine life again. And especially imagining that life can be good again. But we're talking today to Claudette Brown Mendoza, who is the founder of the Comeback Collective. And if you are someone who is struggling to find clarity and direction after trauma or loss, or if you don't even know what kind of mindset you need to rebuild a meaningful life, if you want practical steps to turn personal pain into purpose driven action, if you want to know the power of being intentional with your time and energy, if you want to reignite hope and give yourself permission to dream again. Claudette is using her own personal story, losing her husband Mark to suicide in 2017 to now helping other women to go through those things that she's been describing, the very real logistical things, getting your name on things off of things though, all of those just logistical nightmares, honestly, that go on to the grieving, the just feeling seen and feeling known. That's what she was just describing to me during the break. Just sitting across from someone else who another woman who's experienced grief and just knowing. You can just read the subtitles that are unspoken. Just feeling known. That is what Claudette is doing and it's really inspiring.

How do you honor the past while living in the present and still having hope for future

Claudette, before the break, we were just about to talk about how do you honor the past while living in the present and still having hope for the future? What has that looked like for you?

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: Well, there's many, many phases to that, you know, but where we are today is. And we had some extra work, I think, to do on. Unfortunately, so much about Mark was the way he died. And I finally got to the point where I was like, I, I tired of that. I don't want Mark's life to be remembered about how he died and the way he died. And I really made a conscious shift to really just talk and express about how he lived his life and the way he lived his life and the things that were important to him and the legacy that he left. So that was very important to me and to my children. Moving forward, we made a decision as a family unit to, not focus on Mark's death, but his life. And you know, for so long, every memory that I had, song, music, places that I went, was a memory of Mark or my dad. But I have to say is that I'm thankful for moving forward. And now I Have new memories. I remember someone telling me, some of your best days haven't even happened yet. It. I thought, oh, my gosh, I hope that's me. I hope I still have good days ahead of me. And I do. And I have. It can be bittersweet when my oldest daughter actually got married. Obviously tough time planning the wedding. It was hard without him. It was hard to know who was going to walk her down the aisle. It was hard asking her brother to do that, to step in his father's shoes, to do that. That, that was hard. But it was also wonderful. And we were so thankful that Christian came in Ashley's life and they got married. And now I have a son in law. I mean, what a blessing. It's so exciting. And I, I can't help but think of how happy Mark would be. it's kind of a fun kind of story, but Ashley always worried, you know, after Mark died, that Mark would never know her husband. But Ashley and Christian actually went to school together. So it's kind of a cool story that he, he did know Christian. And so that was wonderful. but, you know, in, in now I'm married again, you know, so I opened up my heart to love into marriage. And, you know, that brings a lot of challenges as well. It's, you know, grieving your husband without that being the center of this marriage. I met a wonderful man named Kevan, and he has been incredible as far as my grief and letting me share my grief and, the way that I'm feeling. But he is on board and supports that. Mark will always be spoken about in our home. He will always be remembered. He will always be loved. He'll always be cherished and spoken about, always. Till the day, our last day on earth. Mark is a part of our family, but so is Kevan. There's still room for Kevan in our family as well, just like there's room for Christian. And when Andrew gets married and my nephews get married, there's going to be room for everyone. So Mark will always have his special place in our family. So that's how we try our best to move forward with what God has orchestrated for me. So I'm so thankful that I have a second chance at love and marriage.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, you are reminding me you have a lot of similarities to Ruth in the Bible, Claudette, because, I mean, I'm thinking about it. You lost your husband. You're, you're, you lost your father, and you're helping your, mother as she's grieving the loss of her husband. And Ruth found Boaz. You found Kevan. I mean, I'm just seeing the. The, analogies all over the place here, and. But that is the story of God. That is the heart of God to make beauty from ashes. And one of the things that I have learned about the Lord is that he loves to redeem what is lost. He loves to restore. He loves to repair. He loves to renew. And even in spite of all of that loss and tragedy, God is there to do that if you have an open heart to receive it. And clearly, you know, this has been almost a decade now of your journey. How. I can't even imagine how much experience and wisdom you have, had during that time, how much time God has had to refine your character and to just. Just cement these convictions into your heart. And now you are helping other women on that journey. I'm sure that's a path that you would have never chosen. But I heard you say in another interview, Claudette, that you. You never would wish this on anyone else. And if you could go back, you would. You. You would snap your fingers, as you said earlier, and wish it was different. But you're so grateful for who you are now. How do you get to that point? How are you helping other women? Tell us about the Comeback Collective and how what that looks like.

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: One of the biggest points is grief will quickly, help you realize what's important in life. Because I would remember going back in. In life and hearing people talk about, you know, certain things, a TV show they were watching or what they had on, or the weather or things like that. In my mind, I was thinking, oh, my gosh, I didn't sleep last night because I could hear my kids wailing upstairs because of their dad. So. And that is not a knock on anyone else. It's just your priorities change very quickly to what's important and what's not really as important, the small details. So I quickly learned that the most important things in life is my faith, my family, and my friends. Really, anything else is kind of insignificant, you know. And so grief teaches you that real quickly. And I think a lot of women who have lost, been through a divorce, or had a major illness, they will tell you the same thing. You will wake up with a new repurpose, a purpose for your life. Like I went through that man do. Are, the colors outside brighter now? Because yesterday and the day before, it was gray and black and dark, but today I see the sun shining, and I'm so thankful for that. I don't care what I look like or if it starts to rain or if someone, you know, slammed on their brakes in front of me. I don't care about that because I am just so thankful not to be where I was and to have made a small step forward. So your perspective really, really changes. I am so much more sensitive to when things happen to other people, and it can be a struggle. I even put a post after the Texas floods how I definitely went to a dark place. And I think a lot of people can resonate with that who have been through something traumatic. It hits you harder and longer because you really can. You can relate to what these families are going through and what they will go through. So it gives you a. A deeper perspective for other people's pain and loss in their path. And I started to quickly learn that in community is where I felt support. I started slowly reaching out to other women that I didn't even know. Like, I would have friends tell me, hey, I had a friend at work who lost her husband. Can you reach out to her? And I'm like, of course. And I just said, look, I don't know you so and so gave me your name. I lost my husband. Our circumstances are completely different. However, if you would like to talk or you meet somebody, I would love to be a part of your journey. And sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't. But I have honestly made some of the deepest friendships because of the connection with other people. And they're not all widows. Some are divorced. There are just things that people have gone through that have changed their life. And they need a community of support moving forward. And so therefore, that's how the Comeback Collective was born.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, I think I tell people they need five people in their lives. They need an intercessor, someone to pray for them. They need a counselor, someone to give them wise advice. And sometimes that is a professional. They need a healthcare provider that will help them, that they trust with their life. They need a ride or die friend, someone who's going to be there through the thick and thin, come over at 2 o' clock in the morning to do laundry just because. And you need someone in the same boat. And that's exactly what you're describing. Claudette is saying. You're inviting people into your boat, saying, I've been there, I have done that. And I think that's really, really powerful. So how can people get in touch with you? If they're thinking, I really am interested in this, what's the easiest way for them to find you?

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: They could just go to my website. thecombackcollective.com I'm also on, Instagram as the comeback coach one. But best is the, my website. And so I, you know, offer different coaching styles depending on what you are going through. you know, there are some ladies who are just new to grief. They're in that first year, they're not sure what to do. They just kind of want to sit in the back row and listen. So I have opportunities for that and then I also have one on one coaching opportunities for the woman who is really ready to take that step forward where we work together to make a personalized, action packed plan for her life that's going to be different than someone else's. Because, you know, a huge lesson that I learned in widowhood is a lot of the things that I've gone through, it's, it's universal to people who have had loss or are going through a major change then dating, blending of family, a second marriage. So many of people go through that with divorce too. So there's a lot of healing in that realm as well. So, the Comeback Collective is just really a place for someone where they can land, they can land, they can feel safe and the biggest thing, they can feel validated. They can feel validated for their emotions and then get a plan in place to have hope. Everybody has to have hope. There is no way that your mind can be in grief for the rest of your life. You have to have hope. There is more on the other side and you, a lot of times have to do a lot of work to rediscover your hopes and dreams. And that's what I'm here for.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, it makes me think of the quote by Emily Dickinson, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. I know, poetry nerds out there rejoice, but I, I know, but in scripture, even more powerfully of course, we know that God gives us a hope that doesn't disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in, in our lives. And I think it can feel impossible to hope again. And just hearing your story, Claudette, is so, it is so hopeful because there's, I think in a world that's one of the things that Satan loves to steal. He loves to steal our joy and he loves to steal our hope. Where we can just put our heads down and think, this is how that's going to be. What was your last word of hope? What does hope look like to you now? And what would you say to the women who are listening as a last encouragement.

>> Claudette Brown Mendoza: Oh well first of all I wish I could just hug anyone that's listening to this. I'm but I'm giving you a hug and thoughts is again, you are not created to grieve the rest of your life. There are so many wonderful opportunities for your life and I want you to dig deep in your hopes and your dreams and and get a plan of action to make that happen. There is so much potential in your life. There's so in sharing your story, I'm sharing my story in hopes of helping someone else. But your story. Think about your story and what you've been through and how it can help someone else. If it helps one person, then it is worth it for you to come to the table with your knowledge. So I just pray for everyone listening. For every woman that's listening, there is a way. There are going to be bumps in the road, but God has so much more for you and there is light and love ahead for you. I promise.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You just said my two favorite words together in the history of ever. But God and listen, if you know someone who's navigating those early days of grief, show up, serve them and say very little. This is not a test of your spirituality or to know the right words of comfort to say. Sometimes there just are no words and just telling them you are loved and prayed for and I am here to make sure your kids are fed and your laundry is done and whatever needs to be done is done. That can be more powerful than anything. I hope that you have been encouraged by this hour with Claudette Brown Mendoza and the Comeback Collective. And I hope that it helps you reimagine your life after loss. Send this to someone you know who needs that word of hope. And as you do, may the Lord bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you. I'll see you right back here tomorrow.

>> Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.