Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nursemama show, prescribing hope for healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to.
Dr. Jessica Peck: My favorite time of the afternoon on my favorite day of the week.
Dr. Jessica Peck: We have reached another fry.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yay.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And it is such a good fry.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yay. Because it it's one Friday closer to Christmas. Yes. We're in November now, so I feel like I can be a little more.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Bold with my affection for Christmas.
Dr. Jessica Peck: But if you're not decorating at all, then don't worry about it. You can do that after. After Christmas, after Thanksgiving, that is okay. But one thing that you should be doing right now is preparing for Operation Christmas Child. I prepared my boxes this week. My producer and I got together with a big group of friends. It was a really fun way to do it, actually. We all went and bought some bulk items. We went and, my producer actually watched. There's some videos online that you can watch about what to pack and how to pack it. And we went and we put everything on the table and we started just making box after box after box. It was such a fun way to spend an afternoon. We did it all with the girlfriends. That was fun. But you could do it with your family. You could do it with your life group. You could do it just with yourself. Operation Christmas Child, that national collection week is coming up really quick. It's November 17th through the 24th, and so now is the time to prepare and pack your boxes. Go to samaritanspurse.org/occ that's samaritanspurse.org/occ to learn more about sending a shoebox to a A child somewhere in the world who is going to get the gift of.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Christmas and the gift of the love of Jesus. So I encourage you to do that.
Ask doctor Nursemama Friday is all about being patient this week
Dr. Jessica Peck: Now, as I'm waiting for Christmas, one.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Of the hardest things for me to do and.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And I'm going to go out on a limb and say the hardest thing for you to do as well is for us to be patience. You probably patient. You probably heard it said that patience is a virtue. That's actually not exactly true. Patience is a fruit of the spirit. We know that from Galatians. And patience is not a personality trait that you're just born with. Although some people, it may be a little easier for them to be patient than others. But here on this Ask doctor Nursemama Friday, I'm going to answer questions about how do we show patience and and have that countercultural habit in a world that really delivers to us instant gratification all the time. We are in our B attitude stage of the 52 habits for healthy families. Listen to any Friday show or listen to the doctor Nurse Mama coaching minutes.
Dr. Jessica Peck: To get caught up.
Dr. Jessica Peck: But this week is all about being patient. So let's dive in and some of the key. There are key scriptures that talk about patience. And the interesting thing is that if you're feeling impatient and you pray and you ask God to give you patience, how this usually happens is not some sort of supernatural infusion of automatically, oh, you were feeling impatient, God just does an override on your soul and all of a sudden you feel more patient.
Dr. Jessica Peck: No, what God is going to give.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You is opportunities to learn and practice patience. And patience, we know, flows from love. We know from First Corinthians 13, the really well known passage of Scripture that talks about love, that love is patient, love is kind, but it starts with love, being patient. Don't you think that's interesting that that's the very first word that is there? We also know that patience is a fruit of the Spirit. As I said, it's formed so spiritually through spiritual discipline, not through your circumstances. We know that from Galatians 5. We also know that patience is tied to trusting in God's timing. There are so many scriptures about that. And the biblical worldview truth in all of this is that waiting is not a punishment. And in fact, many times waiting is not a hardship as much as it is a blessing. Waiting is really a sacred classroom that God gives us for spiritual formation to learn that discipline of patience. But here's the thing. Patience in scripture, when we look at it, it is active. It's not just sitting around enduring your circumstances, just waiting for that trial to pass, waiting for your kids to develop that character trait, waiting for this season to pass. It's not just the ability to wait. It's waiting actively with faith, with endurance, with self control, and with hope. We see that we have patience in our love with people. We have patience and trusting in the circumstances, patience and waiting on God's timing. And we want to remain faithful to God and loving to others while we are waiting in whatever season that we're waiting for. And we know that God is the ultimate source and the model for patience, that it is part of God's character. We know this from Exodus 34. God is slow to anger. He's, abounding in steadfast love. We know from second Peter that God delays judgment. So that people have time to repent. We know from Psalm 86 that God is compassionate. He's gracious, he's slow to anger. And we know from Romans 2 that it's God's kindness, his patience, his forbearance that leads us to repentance. God is patient with us, not because we deserve it, but because it is a reflection of his character, his love, his mercy, his desire for us to have redemption. And we have to learn to be patient with the people that God has given us in our lives because God is patient with us. And some seasons can be more difficult. It can be difficult to be patient with your spouse, patient with your kids. But we know that we can learn how to demonstrate patience from Jesus because he did this. He practiced patience in his relationships, in accomplishing his missions, in enduring his suffering. Because he patiently taught the disciples, if you read the Bible, about how many.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Times he had to say, I haven't I told you this before?
Dr. Jessica Peck: But he was very patient when they misunderstood things. He restored Peter after he failed, not with shame, but with love. And in trials, Jesus didn't retaliate when he was wrong. He patiently endured that. He endured the cross, we know from Hebrews 12, for the joy set before him. We don't often think of joy in that. And Jesus waited for God's timing to begin his ministry, to perform the miracles, to go to the cross. And though we show, we see that patience is actually a, strength in submitting to God's will. And waiting is that spiritual classroom that is really, really hard to do. And there were a lot of biblical examples of patience, of waiting. We see Abraham and Sarah, who were promised a child. They wa for a long time for that. But it built faith, and it showed that God keeps his promises. We saw Joseph, who waited for freedom and purpose. He endured years of slavery. But we saw that God used that classroom to form in Joseph humility and wisdom and leadership. We see David waiting to become king. He was told he was going to become king. That didn't happen right away, but. But in that time, he developed character to lead with God's heart. We saw Israel waiting for the Messiah. That waiting cultivated hope, cultivated confidence that God will fulfill his promises. And waiting is where God forms what he will later fulfill. And he uses that waiting in our lives to grow what we are going to need in that next season. It is so essential. Again, like I told you in First Corinthians 13, patience is the first description of love. Love is patience. Because without patience, love is actually not love. It becomes control, it becomes irritation, it becomes self interest. Patience is that first attribute described in love, and it is evidence of the fruit of the Spirit. Patience helps us to develop maturity. One of my favorite passages of Scripture comes from James, chapter one, that talks about my brothers, count it all joy when you experience trials. And that is really hard because we have to wait through those trials. But it says, let patience have its perfect work, that you may be mature. Let patience have its perfect work. And patience help this us to be more immature. But when we are patients, it brings us closer to being like Christ. The other thing that we know about patience is that it protects the unity in your family. We know from Ephesians that we are to be patient bearing with one another in love, which I just told you from First Corinthians 13 that love is patience. And when we show patience in relationships, that is really a witness to the world because culture treats people as disposable.
Biblical patience is rooted in God's character. It's formed by the Holy Spirit
When people are difficult, when they are slow, when we have to wait on them, there is so much frustration, so much disrespect that happens with that. Like, I don't want to have to wait on anything. And what that teaches us is that I am the most important person in the world. I don't want to have to wait in line. I don't want to have to wait for my prescription. I don't want to have to wait anywhere. I want instant customer service. But biblical patience says, hey, I, I am going to experience humility and waiting. I'm going to walk with you through your process because God walked with me through mine. Colossians 3 tells us to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and, and patience, forgiving others as the Lord forgave us. And when we show that patience, we are sharing the gospel, and that is really important. So we know biblical patience is rooted in God's character. It's formed by the Holy Spirit, it's shaped through active, waiting, and it's required for love. And it's a witness to the world. It is hopeful trust in God's timing. So I always find it interesting to go back and look at the cultural shift, how we used to value patients more than we did, and really how the world is moving around us to create us to be impatient people. It's very hard to be a patient person when we're growing up in today's world. So let's look at communication. When we look at the days of yesteryear, or as my kids say, I grew up in literally the previous century, we See that there was a built in waiting process for communication because you would have to write letters, you would wait for a reply, you would have to have a phone call. If that person wasn't there, you left a message on their answering machine and you waited for them to call you back. Now we have instant messaging. We even have read receipts that tell somebody, okay, they've read my message and they haven't responded yet. We have the pressure to respond immediately. And this can cause a lot of relational anxiety and irritability because we're thinking why aren't they answering me me or.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Or you know, we're thinking, oh, do.
Dr. Jessica Peck: I have to answer right now? Why don't they stop messaging me? Because I feel like I have to respond. We see it in entertainment because in the days of your we had weekly episodes, right? There was no instant streaming. You had to wait until the next week for that episode to come out or maybe even over the whole summer. Or if there was a radio, a music that you wanted to hear, you'd have to call in and ask the DJ please play this. So would have to go to the store and hope that Blockbuster actually had that physical VHS cassette, right? Or commercials forced you to pause. You couldn't wait, you couldn't fast forward through the commercials. Now we have binge watching. You can get a whole season of something and watch it in a day or two. We have autoplay. We have, we have skipping ads. You can pay to skip ads. We have endless feeds that just keep us constantly stimulated. There's no pause. We don't have to wait for anything. And we see it in shopping where people would save money. Then you travel to a store, you'd order something from a catalog. Now we've got same day Delivery. Just pay $25 and it'll be on your porch today between 10 and 3. We have buy now and pay later. We also see it in problem solving. If you wanted to solve a problem, there was no Google. You would have to ask someone, you would have to look it up in a book, you would have to figure it out on your own. Now we have CH GPT where you just say tell me what to do in this. An instant answer. We see it in food culture where you used to not even have a microwave. Does anyone remember the days where you didn't even have a microwave? Now we've got doordash that can bring you anything you want to eat. We have drive through, we have eating in the car. All of those things are instant. But most importantly and most soberingly, we See it in, relationships because it's very quick to block someone to delete someone, to ghost someone. We have very low relational patience. We don't have patience for relationships that cause us inconvenience. It's hard. And the world just says, hey, just walk away. Just ignore them. We are being discipled by speed and instant gratification, and it is affecting our capacity to wait, to tolerate discomfort, to delay gratification, and love people through a process they're going through of being transformed to be the good work that God created them to be. When we come back, I'll tell you why culture is working against families and what you can do about it. We'll see you on the other side of this break. I want you to picture this. Her name is kayla. She is 17, alone, terrified and pregnant. Sitting in a clinic, tears blurring, thinking abortion, is her only option until she was offered a free ultrasound, paid for by a hero just like you. The moment Kayla heard her baby's heartbeat, the decision was made. And today, her little baby boy, Gabrielle, is thriving because preborn walked with Kayla every step of the way. Now multiply that by 38,000. That's how many babies preborn has helped save just this year. How many mothers preborn has come alongside with practical and spiritual resources to make motherhood possible. But here's the most important thing you will hear today. Their goal is to save 70,000 by the end of the year, and they can't do it without us. every $28 provides that ultrasound. The moment everything changes, will you be the reason the next Kayla chooses life? The reason Gabrielle fulfills his destiny. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250, baby. Or donate securely at, preborn.com/AFR, afr that's preborn.com/AFR.
Then Christ Came by MercyMe: Like a soldier with no armor in the middle of the battle I was broken I was broken it was only getting darker in the valley of the shadow I was hopeless I was hopeless I never thought that I would ever see the day when every single chain would break or hear the voice of heaven call my name Then Christ came changing everything he took my sin and shame away now every song I sing will be for him Every since the moment he walked in Then Christ came welcome back, friends.
Dr. Jessica Peck: That is then Christ came by MercyMe and some days more than others.
Dr. Jessica Peck: We just think, okay, come, Lord Jesus, come. Because in this day and age, things.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Are going so fast and so furious. It can be really difficult to slow down and to wait and Today, on this Friday, we're talking about the habit, the healthy habit for your family of being patient. And we've talked about how in First Corinthians 13, the first thing it says love is, is love is patient. And maybe that's a time for us to pause and to really think about our relationships at home. And if your kids are not feeling so loved, if there's tension there, maybe your spouse is. Is not feeling so loved, maybe we need to look at how we are being patient with them because our kids are imperfect, our spouse is imperfect, just as we are imperfect. And God calls us to bear with one another, to be patient in those seasons. Maybe it's trial, maybe it's learning a character quality and, trying to cultivate fruit of the spirit. Maybe it's something difficult that you're walking through. But waiting and being patient isn't just sitting and suffering in silence. It is an active posture. But this is something that culture is absolutely working against with, against us for. Because culture wants you to be impatient. Culture wants you to be fast. You know why? Because that drives your marketing habits. And the faster they can get you to make decisions, the faster they can get you to be impulsive and impulse buy, say, add to cart or whatever it is engaging in that marketing. We are decreasing our tolerance for the slowness that is needed.
How does impatience show up in our families?
Now, how does this show up in our families? How does impatience show up? Because you might be thinking, am I impatient? I don't think I'm impatient. But let's walk through it and do a little self assessment. Because impatience is not always loud or explosive. It's not always angry. Sometimes it's really subtle. Sometimes it's really silent, and sometimes it's socially acceptable. So here's how impatience can show up in your home. It can show up in your tone of voice. How many of you have had an argument with someone in your family and.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You'Ve said, well, it's not what you said, but it's how you said it? I think we've probably all said that.
Dr. Jessica Peck: But it's because it is a reality. If we're having a tone, that is really sarcastic, that is speaking with irritation, that is rushed, that is clipped, that is just saying, okay, yeah, yeah, well, just get to it. Just tell me, like, what is it? Why are you taking so long to get there? Get to the point. Or we have a sharp voice, even when we think that the words we're speaking are polite, light. What this teaches our tone is communicating to our family, is you're a burden to Me in this moment. You are weighing me down. You're dragging me down. You are keeping me from doing more important things, things I would rather be doing. We've got to watch it in our tone. It also shows up in our pace where we're just constantly rushing. I know this is very convicting to me, and I know that God gave me one of my children to intentionally slow me down. And it is a. A gift. It is an absolute gift. Because so often I'm saying, come on, come on, let's go, let's go. We gotta hurry. Let's go. It's time to go. Everybody in the car. I'm just constantly rushing. Whether it's a routine, a mealtime, a bedtime, I'm constantly rushing to get to that next thing. And we are t treating slow processes as inconveniences. So this means teaching our kids some character trait that they need to learn, some life lesson that they need. This means going through a stage of. Of toddler tantrums or teen tantrums, or we're trying to establish a new routine. We're treating it as an inconvenience. Like, this is an inconvenience to me instead of an opportunity for character formation. We view, okay, when are these toddler tantrums going to be over? When is this phase going to be over? I'm just enduring it instead of saying, okay, I'm actively investing in this. And we expect others to move at our speed. And it says that speed is more important than connection. You being on my schedule is more important than me being connected to you. It also shows up in our expectations because we expect children to regulate their emotions like they're adults. We're impatient for child expressions of emotions. We expect our spouse to immediately get over a conflict because this, you know, continued distance here, this is. This is inconvenient to me. You're making me feel guilty. Or we expect instant change after just one correction or one conversation. And the reality is that growth takes patience, it takes repetition, it takes time, it takes practice. And that's something we don't have a lot of tolerance for. Impatience shows up in our reaction to mistakes that our family members make. It means that we overreact when they spill something, when they mess something up, when they forget something, when they do something. That is childish.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And I know that my husband has.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Been patient with me. I tend to not. I tend to struggle with impatience, if you can't tell. But I remember one time in particular, I forgot to pay a bill. I just completely forgot to pay it and I, you know, get the notice and of course I'm feeling terrible about it. And my husband was so kind about it. He was like, that's okay. That's, that's fine. You know, I'm sure that you'll pay it. I'm sure that it'll be fine. He was just so kind and that just a small gesture of kindness made such an impression on me. Whereas so often our impatience just tends to roll right over. It also shows up in our reaction to mistakes when we just make any small little failure, any small little mistake into the biggest catastrophe. Oh, no. I can't believe this happened again. Oh, you ran over the curb. I'm talking to every wife out there.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Who'S front seat driving for her husband. Right?
Dr. Jessica Peck: That's impatience where we, where we do that. And it also shows up in our wor. We shape identity instead of guiding behavior. And we use shame based statements when we're impatient. Impatience says things like, why do you always fill in the blank? You never listen. What is wrong with you? You are so fill in the blank. You're so dramatic. You're so messy, you're so lazy. You're so infuriating. You're so frustrating. Anytime we feel that impatience, we start attributing character qualities to that, to our child, to our spouse. And that language confuses who they are with what they did. And that is really hard. That's, a really hard thing to do.
When we show impatience, it reduces emotional safety in relationships
I'm going to talk more about that in just a minute. Impatience also shows up in digital distraction, where we choose our screen over engaging with people around us. It shows up when we are multitasking during meaningful moments. We're watching something while we're supposed to be engaged in something else. And we are honestly more patient with our screens than we are with our families. And we've got to make sure that we have patience, just as much patience for our, for our families in real life. It also shows up in resentment and withdrawal. Because impatience, isn't always explosive. It's not always the why did you always, why did you never. Sometimes it's stonewalling. It's just, I don't have the patience to deal with you, so I'm not going to deal with you. I'm just going to emotionally shut down. I'm just going to avoid any difficult conversations because I don't have the patience for that. And how often do we say those words to our families? I don't have the patience for this today. I don't have the patience for You, I don't have the patience to deal with this right now. Ooh. It is such a, it is such a convicting thing, for sure. And that passive impatience is still harmful. Harmful. And when we show impatience, when we have a home atmosphere, a home culture of impatience, it absolutely impacts our relational health. And it does it in these ways. First of all, it reduces emotional safety. Because when family members feel like you don't have the patience to deal with them, then they think, okay, I'm not going to share my feelings. I'm definitely not going to admit to you when I make a mistake. And I'm going to be really careful about who I am, what I say, what I do around you, because I don't have that emotional safety. And when you don't have emotional safety, you start to lose intimacy and, intimacy in those relationships. When you have impatience, it also damages trust because it's saying, I can't trust you to grow. I can't trust you to handle this. I don't trust that you're going to get through this okay. It's just, you start to think I'll never be good enough. Nothing I do is right. It's just easier to hide or to lie than to disappoint you. Impatience takes away our connections because relationships are best when they are in that emotional safety, when they're in that presence. And it's so hard when we're saying, like, how are you doing? It's just, did you do your chores? Did you do what I asked you to do? Did you, did you take out the trash? Did you feed the dog? And that relationship starts to become functional and it's just, that's when you just start to. It's transactional. You just have tasks, tasks. And you start modeling performance based love. Because my value is only based on how well I perform. That is so the opposite of God's love. That is slow to anger, that is gracious, that is patient. And over time, when we have a culture of impatience in our home, children who are raised in an environment where their caregivers are often impatient, they become anxious or fearful because they fear if I make a mistake, it's going to trigger m. My parent to be frustrated with me. They also learn to rush through life. That speed is the most important thing. I just need to get through these things as fast as possible. And patience also teaches our kids to hide their struggles, to hide their pain, because they think, I need to fix myself before I can be loved again. And they start to develop up this very harsh Inner critic that this is so, so hard. This is so hard. But when we have that impatient voice, it becomes the inner voice of the person we're speaking to. Hurry up. You're behind. You're not enough. I don't have the patience to deal with you today. And then we start to translate those struggles into our spiritual identity. Impatience also is very deadly to a marriage. It reduces empathy because you don't really want to understand each other. You just want to fix each other so that we can get past this. Let me just fix this. Because I don't have the patience to deal with it. And it minimizes those emotional connections. Because if you feel rushed, if you feel dismissed, if you share something, if you share, hey, I'm feeling really disconnected from you. Hey, I'm feeling really discouraged lately. And there's just. It's met with impatience. Like, why, why are you feeling that? That you don't have any reason to feel that, you know, or why don't you just do this and fix this? It's going to reduce those emotional connections. One of the most powerful things that it does in the worst way possible, is that it normalizes contempt. When we're talking to each other, these small annoyances, all of a sudden, they just become character assassinations. And I've seen researchers that say contempt is one of the number one predictors of divorce. When you reach that stage where I just have contempt, because you have just, you know, tried my patience so much, I don't have the patience for you anymore. And it replaces that relationship with scorekeeping, because it's comes out in phrases like, well, you should already know this, or why haven't you changed this yet? Or I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm tired of this. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm tired of talking about this. That's impatience. And that is. That is just absolute death for intimacy. Because intimacy requires patience and time and attention and gentleness. So when we look at that, this through a, biblical lens, we see that impatience is not just a relational problem. This is a spiritual formation issue. Because when we have impatience, we're relying on ourselves more than we're relying on the Holy Spirit. We are reflecting pride and control and using fear as a mechanism rather than responding with humility and love and trust. And it breaks unity and it misrepresents God's character to our families. And that is one of the most sobering things I think that we should think about. Because we are called to steward our family's spiritual Formation. And when we're just modeling impatience, that impatience, that is not God's character, that is not God's heart, we see spiritual growth is gradual. It's sanctification is lifelong. We are going to be working on this our whole lives.
Sometimes we mislabel our impatience as stress
And if we go back to 1 Corinthians 13, we know that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. We cannot microwave our spiritual maturity. We cannot have it instantly. God uses slow processes on purpose. And again, we look at this impatience as an epidemic. And sometimes we mislabel our impatience and we call it stress. We say, I just feel so stressed. I just have so much stress right now. I just, I feel so stressed out. When really, if we're honest with ourselves, we say a lot of that stress may be self induced. And really we're talking about, I'm feeling impatient right now. And there is something that we can do about that. We may not be able to do something about our circumstances. Those may be with beyond our control, but we absolutely can control our response. And that is really important to do with our kids, to with our spouses in our daily life. Because when we come back from this next break, I'm going to take a deep dive on how impatience really starts to cultivate shame in your family. And that is that identity that we're talking about when we're impatient and we say, why do you always, why do you never. What is wrong with you? You're so fill in the blank. What we're doing is we're telling our family member who they are. And the biblical truth of that is that God never shames us into holiness. He's not going to shame us into patience. He corrects with truth and compassion. And we cannot generalize a character trait that comes from a behavioral struggle. So often we have a spouse who's struggling with something in particular, struggling with spiritual formation, struggling with developing a fruit of the Spirit. Our kids are struggling with that. And all of a sudden we speak words of death over them, making that behavioral struggle all of a sudden become their identity. Instead of speaking words of life over them, saying, I am going to be patient to bear this struggle with you because I am confident that he who began a good work will be faithful to complete it. I'll give you some more tips on the other side of this break.
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Jesus Does by We The Kingdom: Who holds the orphan, comforts the widow, cries for injustice, heals every sorrow, carries the pain of his children Jesus does. So we sing praise to the Father who gave us the Son Praise to the Spirit who's livin' in us When I was a sinner he saved me from who I was. That's what Jesus does.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is, Jesus does by we the kingdom.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And we're talking about how Jesus responds to us, God's character, and responding to us with patience. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and In this series, 52 habits for healthy Families. Every Friday we've been talking about a habit to help your family's relationship, their emotional, their spiritual, their physical, their mental health. And impatience is one of the most deadly forces that we can have in our family. It has a lot of negative impacts and this is one of the reasons that God calls us to develop fruits of the Spirit. We need to do that through spiritual discipline. It's not easy. There is no instant fix.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And as I said at the top.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Of the program, if you're asking God for patience, he's going to give you the opportunity to practice it. Not some mystical infusion of instant patience that doesn't happen. And one of the things that this one of the ways this shows up up so much in families. And I see this, for me as a healthcare professional, I see this manifesting itself in mental health concerns and emotional health concerns and psychological health concerns. Because when we are impatient with the behavior of our children, when we are impatient with the behavior of our spouse, one of the most common and most damaging ways that impatience shows up is when we label that behavior as identity. When we interpret that action, we have such intolerance for that action right there. That behavior that we all of a sudden start talking about who they are instead of what they're doing. Because we, we have no patience to wait over time. And over time when we start to give these labels, that's when you're talking about shaping self concept, emotional health, spiritual formation. That's when we're talking about having anxiety, having depression, all of those contributory factors. So what does, what does labeling behavior as identity actually mean? Well, it means instead of addressing the behavior, we assign a character label to the person. So if we're talking about behavior, we say, hey, you didn't clean your room like we agreed you would today. An identity label goes in, sees the room that's still messy and says, you're so lazy, I can't believe you did this. Behavior is something that a person does. Identity is someone they believe that they are. And some of those negative identity labels we say may say to our family members, oh, you're so dramatic. Oh you're so selfish. You're, you're so disorganized, you're so messy. You just never listen. You always overreact. And those turn a single moment that can require patience to deal with into a permanent identity. And those statements convey, this is who you are. I don't believe that you can change. And we may have even comparison based identity in that maybe we say, well, your sister never acts that way, your brother never has this problem. so, and so spouse never has this problem. The other kids don't do this. That comparison is so, so damaging. It confuses identity and development because children are in process. They're supposed to be immature. That's why they need us. That's why God gave them parents. And identity labels punish children for being developmentally normal. We know that foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. We know that kids are going to make mistakes and we don't it to become that internal voice. We don't want it to damage their relationship safety. We don't want shame to replace that healthy conviction instead of, I made a mistake and I'm empowered to fix it and I'm going to work on it and be patient until I learn this skill, until I learn this character trait. It. We see that God uses conviction, but Satan uses shame. And we see when God handles behavior versus identity, we expect God to handle our issues in a way that we often don't extend that grace to someone else. Because God corrects our actions without condemning our identity. He can discipline us while still telling us, convicting us about the, the, the behavioral struggles that we're having, but he still speaks life. I mean, think about the story of Gideon. Gideon was Fearful, but God called him a mighty warrior. We think about Peter. Peter, he denied Jesus, but God didn't call him that. He said, on this rock, I will build my church. We see the prodigal son who expected to return home and begged to be a servant, and yet his father restored him as a son. God speaks to who we can be with his help, not who we are at our worst moment. We know that God speaks identity over us, that we are God's workmanship, not his instant product, not his just add water, people. We are God's workmanship, created with purpose. We are beloved children of God. We are being transformed into Christ's image. That is a process that takes patience. We are not instantly transformed. It takes time. And if God doesn't label us by our failures, we shouldn't label our families by ours either. We absolutely shouldn't do that. What we should do is speak truth with patience. We should offer grace with patience. We. We should separate that identity from behavior, replace the labels with constructive, specific feedback, and then have patience and grace as that person is learning. So instead of saying, you're so irresponsible, say, I see you forgot your assignment again. Let's talk about a system to help you succeed. What do you need from me to help you be successful in remembering that instead of, you're always so dramatic, you can say, say to your child, hey, I can see your feelings are really big right now. Let's work on expressing them with calmness. if they say, you know, saying words of speaking identity in alignment with God's truth, says, you're capable, you are growing, you are loved, no matter what, I see progress. I have faith that God will be faithful to complete the good work that he has started in you. And we want to correct the moment while protecting that person. That's so important.
Identify behavior that tries your patience and then state its impact
So when you feel like there is a behavior that tries your patience, you know, for me, it's like I see clean clothes in the dirty laundry hamper.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Maybe it's something as simple as that that is going to make me impatient in a heartbeat.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Or maybe it's something more serious. Maybe it is a character trait. Identify that behavior. Say, this is the behavior, and then state the impact. Talk about how it is impacting the family dynamic, how it is impacting their life, and then express belief and their ability to grow. Express patience. So identify the behavior, state the impact, and then express belief in their ability to grow. So what does that look like? This says something like, say your kid is just extremely disrespectful and they are fighting with their sister. You can say you spoke disrespectfully and that really hurt your sister. I know that you're capable of practicing kite kindness. Let's try this conversation again. That takes patience. It is much easier to go off on a rant and to say why are you doing this? I've told you this a million times. Why can't you just do what I ask you to do and look at what this is doing? And I am so frustrated with you. And that may feel good in the moment, but you know as well as I do that in the moments after that, oh, just the feelings of.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yuckiness just start to pile in and.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Then you feel guilty and then you're going back and say oh, sorry, I didn't mean to be so angry. But you have a legitimate point. But now you've lost your credibility. Now you've lost your authority. So we just need to name that behavior, speak about how it impacted the person involved and then express confidence in their ability to learn and to get it right. Because we have. Parenting is for the long game, marriage is for the long game. And when we rush and focus on how are you serving me today? We forget on how are we learning and growing over time. And for kids, we are raising, adults, we are not managing children. Growth is, is not linear. Kids are going to repeat struggles. Sometimes it's a messy looping back and forth. We've had two weeks that are great, now we have two days that are awful. That's normal, that happens. And we know that relationship based influence lasts so much longer than rule based control. So we've got to show patience in that prioritizing connection, over correction. When we have impatience, it weakens our home, it weakens our family bonds, Patience strengthens it and that's what we've got to do.
Learn to practice patience. Just like physical muscles, it requires going to the gym
So what are some ways that you can flex your patients muscles? What are some ways that you can actively learn, Learn to practice patience. Just like physical muscles, it requires going to the gym and sometimes, you know.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You may go to the gym and.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You just work out and you expect, okay, great, like is that it?
Dr. Jessica Peck: Did I achieve my goals?
Dr. Jessica Peck: And it takes a long time so you've got to practice it. And some of those practical rhythms, some ways that you can build more patience into your family culture are protecting the margins of your scalp schedule, making sure that you are not over scheduled. Because if you're over scheduled, you're naturally going to say hurry up, we've got to go, we've got to go, let's go and then you can't find what you need. So protecting that margin is so important. Giving yourself enough transition time, making sure that you are not over scheduled and overstimulated, that is a surefire way to trigger impatience. Another thing you can do is practice waiting together. So wait. Maybe without your phone, if you're in line or if you're in the restaurant, don't fill in the gap. Just stay present in boredom instead of just grabbing your device and having that instant gratification that is really important. When we're thinking about patience, we've got to shift our mindset and see waiting as an opportunity rather than an inconvenience. I mean this, we said this again from James. Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Waiting is not wasted time. You're actively growing spiritually in that moment where you're learning to wait with patience. You're learning to recognize that God's timing is better than your own. You're learning to frame challenges as an opportunity that's so important. Another great practical thing to do is just to practice pausing. Practice the pause. This is something that is widely talked about in psychology, but it is also in scripture. But just pause before you react. Just learn to count to three. Just learn to take a breath. Just learn to ask yourself a question, am I responding in love or in frustration? And just, just count to five before you respond. That is really, really helpful to do. You can also set some long term goals when, if you're feeling impatient with a struggle that your child is having, think. How can we focus on who are they becoming? What am I doing to help them in this time? Not just fix their behavior today, not just make sure that I'm not inconvenient, but focus on who they are becoming. And we can do that by prioritizing connection over a quick fix, learning that it's okay, we'll try again tomorrow, we'll try again. That is okay to do. We have got to also remove some of the cultural crutches that we have that make us impatient, that are working against us, that are trying to condition us for instant gratification. So some of those things that just, make us have no tolerance for patience is limiting our screen time. Because if we have continual screen time, you've got autoplay, you've got notifications, you've got to learn to delay those small gratifications. Deliberately give your kids the opportunity to wait for something. Make them save their allowance for their toys. Make, make them wait 24 hours after.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You add to cart to see, do you really need that?
Dr. Jessica Peck: Are you just going to be standing.
Dr. Jessica Peck: In the return like lines?
Dr. Jessica Peck: What are ways that you can do that? What are ways that you can slow down your meals, that you can have more family conversation? What are ways that you can model patience in your house? How do you, how do you do that? How do you lead calmly with steady behavior? And maybe this means that you're saying it out loud.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Like, I, remember one time specifically that I was impatient to having four small children. And there are lots of things that try your patience.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And I remember praying out loud and I said, God, please help me to be a patient mom. Please help me to be patient in this moment. Help me to be patient with my children. I was trying so hard to model that.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And, I, I, they and they started praying, God, help mom not to be so impatient. Help her not to be so frustrated. And I'd say, God, help me help my kids not to be so frustrating. And we would just have this dialogue of praying back and forth. And honestly, it ended in a lot of laughing.
Dr. Jessica Peck: But it was a great way to go to the Lord and just to be transparent and humble about that struggle. They already knew I was struggling with being patient, and I was able to.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Show them, yes, I am absolutely being.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Impatient in this moment. Using scripture and prayer as anchors is so helpful. Praying through those frustrations instead of venting, instead of saying, you're so frustrating, just say, lord, help me. Help me respond with patience and just start quoting scripture. It really will transform your attitude in a hurry. And celebrate progress, not perfection. Know that there are moments that you can win. And that's okay. That's okay to celebrate that. Know that not everything has to be perfect in the moment. You can celebrate perfect progress over perfection. Listen. Patience is a habit that grows through thousands of small daily decisions that you're choosing for spiritual discipline. God is patient with us. We've got to be patient with people around us.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And wherever you are patient or impatient.
Dr. Jessica Peck: I pray that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And I'll be patient.
Dr. Jessica Peck: So see you next time.
Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
