Transcript

The Dr. Nurse Mama show focuses on developing habits for healthy families

Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing Hope for healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite time of day. On, my favorite day of the week. We are on another Friday. And Fridays in the fall even have a better feeling, don't they? There is just something about the weekend, and it doesn't matter. Like I say all the time, if you're a nurse or if you're somebody who works on the weekend, Fridays are just more fun. And I'm so glad that you're joining us today. If you've been following along since January, and by the way, if you have, I just want to take a moment just to say thank you so much for listening in. It's so exciting to me as we're starting to round the corner towards 2026, which. That in itself also seems absolutely unbelievable. But we started this journey, this year's journey, in January. And we are 10 months. Can you even believe that? We are 10 months into developing habits for healthy families? And, you know, maybe you're thinking, yeah, I have been really invested and I'm seeing a difference. Or maybe you're thinking, you know, I just. My best intentions got the best of me. That's okay. Wherever you are in this journey, we invite you to join. And as we look back over what we've accomplished over the last year, we've talked about spiritual disciplines and communication, and we've talked about rhythms in your family. We've talked about safety. And right now, we're talking about ways to be. We have talked about being hopeful in a world that seems anything but. We've talked about being a good friend, which is so important in this epidemic of loneliness that we're having. Even though the world is more digitally connected than ever before, we are relationally disconnected. We've talked about being unafraid. and in the wake of all. All of the things that have gone on, and especially in the wake of the Charlie Kirk assassination, we talked about being unafraid in a world that definitely seems very fearful. We talked about being an influencer in your family.

This week we have arrived at talking about being resilient. We need to cultivate resilience in our life

And this week we have arrived at talking about being resilient. Now, resilience is a buzzword that some people think is overused. It is needed very much. We need to be resilient in our own personal lives. Whether you're an adult, whether you are in the greatest generation or the generation that is being born now, to be yet to Be named. We need to cultivate resilience in our life. And that is really embodied in the words of Jesus from the book of John. In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart. Some versions say, be of good cheer. That's the building blocks for resilience that we're going for. And I see this tension that I hear everywhere I go to speak. I have, I have usually, if I'm honest, the mom saying, how can we be kinder to our kids? And I have the dad saying, how can we make sure our kids are tougher and they can face what the world has to bring? And it does have a lot of things to bring. Traumas, trials, tragedies. So many of those things we cannot protect our children from. But we know that life is full of hardship. It's full of loss and disappointment and failure and illness and tragedy and, and death even. But we know that every generation has faced unique challenges. And God has put us here on this moment, in this place, for such a time, this. And so we're not talking about resilience in protecting our families from every bad thing that could ever happen. How do we bend without breaking? So, you know, for me, generational perspective is so important because kids need their grandparents, their parents and their great grandparents. They need all generations engaged. So let's take a look back before we look forward and talk about kind of how we got to this moment, of how we're framing, looking at how we respond to tough things in the world. So we go back, let's go back to greatest generation. This is really even, even before that, even colonial America, even Industrial revolution America, we really had survival based parenting and families historically parented with survival as the main priority because so many kids did not make it past childhood. Whether that was through illness, that was through, you know, disease, that was through accidents that happened, poor nutrition, water contamination, unsafe working conditions. I mean, so many threats that kids faced, just exposure to the elements, traveling, all of those kinds of things. And children really had to grow up very quickly. So in colonial America, for example, kids worked on farms or they apprenticed or they helped in trades. And they were doing this starting at about age 7. At, age 7 to 10, they were looking at that, how can I help support my family? How can I support my future? And then of course, we had the Industrial revolution where children were in factories and mines. And resilience was really framed at that time as endurance. Like we just had to endure those things and emotional nurture, emotional nurturing was honestly a luxury. And most children were valued for productivity. To think, how are you going to contribute? Can you help us grow more food? Can you help us build more shelter? Can you help us do those things that we're just talking about survival? And for that faith connection, parents did lean heavily on biblical principles of discipline. But it was often very authority focused like because, because again we're in survival mode. And I even find that myself in that way with my kids. Now we're in a dangerous, tenuous situation. I will clamp down into that and tell them, you do what I say because your safety absolutely depends on it. And then we shifted into kind of the tough love period. And that really lasted up until the 1960s because after World War II, many parents, particularly fathers who had been serving so many fathers, served in the military in some capacity during World War II. They kind of brought those military values home. And some of those were really good. Valuing obedience and respect and just being tough and just having that grit to get through whatever it was. And after what fathers had seen abroad, you know, coming home and seeing the challenges that children faced, it kind of changed their perspective. And they thought that doesn't seem like that big of a deal. And because so many of those parents were traumatized by what they had experienced, they raised the silent generation. Children should be seen and not heard. That was a very common motto. And that was because parents just had been emotionally through unbelievable hardship and they couldn't really. They had to be very careful about what they were managing at home. And resilience was equated with stoicism. You were taught to be very stoic. It was admirable to push through without complaining. And we see that this is a generation that survived World War II and the Great Depression and that military structure was really influential. And we had children who were disciplined and respected, responsible, but just sometimes emotionally distant or fearful of not measuring up to those expectations. Those high expectations were there. So then we started to have some rapid parenting shifts. We had emotional nurturing that happened in the 1960s to 1980s. We're having, we're talking about the rise of Dr. Spock and no, I'm not talking about Star Trek, I'm talking about psychology. And there were some good things about this. Talking about warmth and feelings and, and things that were not necessarily unbiblic. But we really, when we sought to give children voices and affirm their self expression, this was in the shadow of the civil rights movement and women's liberation and anti war culture. And it really pushed back on authority and control. And there were A lot of bad things that happened from that too. Because what we saw was that permissiveness really led to a lack of boundaries. And instead of making kids more resilient, it made them more fragile because boundaries are a good thing, boundaries are a good thing to have. And some, especially Christian parents, we saw some rise in the Christian culture of leaders who resisted this, these shifts and started to look at the balance here, saying, okay, we, we can't be contrary to biblical discipline. Maybe we can be a little more kind, a little more nurturing and as reflecting God's compassion, but you know, we've got to have a balance here. And then we started to rapidly see generations wanting to adopt their own parenting style. We saw the rise of helicopter parenting and snowplow parenting. It's hovering of course, for helicopters or snowplows, just removing any obstacles, like I will remove them for you. I will make your life easy. And some parents were motivated by love for their children. Some parents are motivated by fear of what they can have. Some parents, most parents just wanted their kids to have an easier life than they did. And so we started to see the rise of academic competition, extracurricular competition. We started to see the rise of sports achievements. And we also saw dangers start to emerge there after the, the era of the 80s. We worried about stranger danger and abductions and school shootings and economic pressure and this rise to success during the economic success of the 80s. This was well intentioned. But sometimes this parenting approach could undermine resilience because kids didn't develop any problem solving skills or coping skills. They just expected everybody else to fix that for them. And we also saw the rise of child centered families. Before we had marriage centered families. But now we see starting to become the primary focus. And sometimes that is at the expense of marriage, it is at the expense of parental health, sometimes it is at the expense of your finances. And we really see if I'm going to really step on some toes idolatry in the form of parenting, thinking that children are products that we're putting out into the world that reflect the kind of parents we are. That gives rise to gentle parenting or conscious parenting that's really focused on feelings and attachment theory. And we want to help our kids regulate their emotions and feel safe, but still provide limits. And we know from a science perspective and from a biblical perspective that resilience is built through secure attachment. That attachment, that one primary attachment most of the time is going to be to the mom. But having that attachment to a primary caregiver and a healthy relationship that affirms their feelings and give boundaries. This, as I would say, to my husband, who is an actual rocket science, this is not rocket science. But somehow we just consider ourselves wise in the age. And I think we just have an affinity towards what culture is putting to us at the moment instead of looking at some of these timeless truths that are there because we see gentle parenting, it definitely can take. Can create entitlement when taken to extreme. So where is the right balance? So, like I said, this is not rocket science. This is encouraging because resilience research and our faith both point to an authoritative style of parenting. Not authoritarian, not a dictator, like, not permissive, letting everything go. But authoritative is the best form of parenting. And scripture models this in God's relationship with his people because God disciplines those he loves. We know that from Hebrews. God comforts and guides us as a shepherd. He loves to give good gifts. We can find out so much about parenting, parenting in the way that God parents us. Now God is the perfect parent, and we have imperfect children, and we are imperfect parents. And so how do we expect to have perfect children? And neuroscience is really affirming what scriptures taught all along. The children flourish when they feel securely loved and appropriately challenged. That's where the sweet spot is. Loving our kids unconditionally, but also holding them accountable when they. When they violate the boundaries that we have set in the family. So there's a lot of implications for this. So for older generations, for grandparents, for dads, the goal is really not to baby our kids. Don't hear me saying that. But to train them with both strength and compassion. So sometimes what looks like softness is actually strengthening the brain's resilience system. And for younger generations, the challenge is not to swing so far into emotional nurturing that our children never face any discomfort. And they just exist in a world that is literally customized for them, from the name of their. Their name on their nursery wall to the way that they're ordering their Starbucks drink starting at age 7 on the app. Right. No, that. That some of those things are just realities, of modern life. But resilience is forged in a safe struggle. That's our job to be a coach, to make it saf our kids to struggle, set the expectations, push them to grow, but do it in a safe, supportive environment. And we know that resilience was once thought to be a very fixed trait. Either you had it or you didn't. You were born that way or you weren't. And now we know it's actually a set of skills and mindsets. That can be cultivated, that are really influenced by their environment. That's great news for us as parents in the home and fate, because we know that the brain is neuroplastic. It rewires, it adapts through experience. So we want them to have hardship, but in a safe, developmentally appropriate way. We want to activate their stress response system. Yes, we do, in a healthy way. It's not that the resilience is not the absence of stress, but the ability to regulate it. And we know, again, scripture, affirms resilience over and over. James 1 talks about how trials produce perseverance and maturity and completeness in Romans says, suffering produces endurance, an endurance character and character hope. But it's a hope that doesn't disappoint. But it's not human willpower alone. It's rooted in God's presence and his promises. So we'll have some questions for you when you come back. Thinking about your own, upbringing. What helps helped you go stronger and what might have wounded you? Are you leaning too far into tough love or too far into permissiveness? And how do we model to our children that God is our refuge and strength in a time of trouble? When we come back, we'll talk about some of those practical building blocks for families on resilience.

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Abide by Aaron Williams and Dwell Songs: For my waking breath for my daily. Bread. I depend on you I depend on you for the sun. Rise. For my sleep at night. I depend on, you. Yes, I depend on, you. You're the way, the truth and the life. You're the well that never runs dry I'm the branch and you are the vine. Draw me close and teach me to abide

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is abide by Aaron Williams and Dwell songs. And that is such a great, message for us just to abide in Christ. Apart from him, we can do nothing, including raising our families to be resilient in this day and age. It feels really hard because our kids are facing tough things. And I think this is hard for generations because we try to say, well, this generation is facing tough things. And we're trying to say that to someone who literally lived through the Great Depression or lived through World War II. Each generation has had their own trials and traumas and tragedies, but all throughout history, God has given us his word to help our families to be resilient. Now when we look at the parenting playbook of yesteryear, I've done this before on social media, asking people, what is something that your parents said to you all the time when you were growing up that you generally look back on now and think, you know, that really wasn't helpful. I can't find very many helpful things about the way that that was said. And some of the things that I got were, stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. You know, these. You can. You can fill in the blanks here, or, boys don't cry, or, you're fine, get over it. You're making too big of a deal out of it. Shame on you. Why can't you be more like your sibling if, you know, good children listen, bad children don't, or wait until your father gets home? You know, those kinds of things because I said so. All of those kinds of sayings we can think about. And, you know, some of those things. I think there's always got to be a balance here. But regardless of. Of that, I think every parent looks at their life and looks at their parenting, and they will look back retroactively and think, you know, I probably could have done that better. I really think I could have done that better. And I'm telling you, if you have a difficult relationship with your children, no matter what age they are, there's so much power in an apology, there's so much power in going back and showing humility to say, you know, I've been thinking about this way that I used to parent, this thing that I used to Say. And I've been learning some things about that, and I just want to acknowledge that. I realize I didn't always get it right. Sometimes I was too strict. Sometimes I didn't listen to your feelings enough. And that was my mistake. and just taking responsibility of that. Just saying I'm sorry that it hurt. If it hurt you. I'm sorry if it made you feel unseen or unloved. I can see how that might have been hard for you. I want you to know I only intended the best. I did the best with what I could. But I recognize now that. That I wish that I'd done better. I've always loved you deeply, and I wanted the best for you even when I didn't show it. Well, you matter more to me than anything in the whole world. And you. If you're really brave, you can ask them, how did you feel when I acted that way? Or I really want to understand your experience better. Can you tell me what that was like for you? And I've learned that resilience comes from support as well as discipline. So. So I wish I'd balance that better. I hope you can forgive me. Just. I want to listen more and support you now. God gives grace when we make mistakes. I want to extend that same. I'm, extending that grace to myself. I'm asking you to extend that grace to me. These are just all some of the examples of some of the things that you can say to go back and apology doesn't diminish your authority either. It really doesn't. It deepens your credibility. That's what it does. Because as your children grow, newsflash, they know you're not perfect, too. And seeing some of those ways where you can have the strength to have the humility, and sometimes that can bring some backlash. There may be some things that are undeserved or unfair, but you are only responsible for you before God. And so asking God, what is your accountability, taking accountability for that, even if it's just a small part of the picture, is a really powerful thing to do. That modeling humility is one of the most powerful ways that we can teach our children resilience. Because in doing that, we're teaching them, hey, you're going to mess up. It's going to happen. And when you do, this is the way to have resilience. This is the way to recover. This is the way to repair and restore your relationships. That's really powerful. And when we're looking at resilience, one of the frameworks that I have Looked at quite a bit comes from a pediatrician named Dr. Kenneth Gates Ginsburg. And he has a framework called the seven Cs of resilience. And it is not a faith based framework, but when you look at it, you can see how easily these concepts translate to our faith. And so he gives seven building blocks of resilience.

Seven Cs can help make your family more resilient

So I want to walk through these with you and just kind of give you a little a minute to self assess your family and think about which of one of these seven could you pick to work on to make your family more resilient. They all start with C. It's the same seven Cs and that first one is competence. Our kids need to feel capable. Whether they're five or whether they're 50. They need to feel capable. And what that means is that they, when they're young in our house, they've got to be able to practice skills. And that's hard to do because nobody's going to get a skill right on the first time. It takes some practice. And that can be difficult for us as parents because we just want to, to. Let me just do it, Let me just do it and we can go on about our day. It's hard to stand there while they're trying 50 times to tie their shoes. This is where the building blocks of resilience come from. And when they're older and they're trying to solve those hard problems, letting them know we believe in their competence, that is really powerful. And from a faith lens, we know that David faced Goliath, Goliath with competence. I'm not saying confidence. I'm saying competence. Because God had prepared him step by step. He learned how to work that slingshot when he was taking care of the sheep in that repetition in that just boring sitting out there watching for for animals that would come and making sure that the sheep were safe. God prepared him step by step. So when your kids are young, let them cook dinner. Even if it doesn't go well, even if it's messy, let them manage a chore list that let m them navigate small conflict with friends and ask yourself, am I stepping in too quickly to fix things for my family? Instead of letting each person work it out on their own, is it safe to do that? Number one, competence. Number two, confidence. Confidence building their belief that they can, that God has equipped them to do things through encouragement. So that means that we see that confidence grow when their competence is recognized. I've talked about this a lot. Most of this comes through spiritual gifts. If you can know what spiritual gift your family has, they can have, be competent. You can help them develop competence in that and confidence. This comes, my best example is through my, through, my oldest, who has an extraordinary gift of hospitality. She knows how to make people feel seen and welcome and loved. And when somebody has a bad day, she will give their room, a hospitality treatment. She will clean their room, she will make their bed, she will put a chocolate on their pillow, a nice welcome, welcome note, maybe light a candle, just have a welcoming place. And when we know somebody's had a hard day and that when they walk in that door, how they walk in the door, how they're welcomed is really going to make a difference. Knowing that, oh, this is your gift, you are competent in this, much more competent than I. And she can feel confident knowing that her gift is going to serve. So think about, you know, just when we think about those, those practical things, think what is your child's greatest strength?

Dr. Jessica Peck: And how can you help them have confidence in serving with that? So confidence, competence, confidence and connection, those relational bonds, everything flows through relationships. So we can try to parent by numbers or have a family by numbers, you know, painting all of those right spots. But really it's all about relationship. Children are going to bounce back when they feel securely connected to their family, to their mentors, to their faith communities. And that is important. That comes through just those rituals, those rhythms that we talked about earlier than the year. These relationships don't have to be forced. It just comes from having dinner together, praying together, going to church together, listening to music together, playing together. Those intergenerational relationships are so important. And so in that reflection and thinking about those connections, ask yourself, does your child, whether they're five or 50, do they feel safe talking to you about their struggles and about their fears and their failures and their mistakes? And what can you do to nurture that relationship with that kind of connection? Okay, competence, confidence, connection. Next, we have character. They kids need to have a moral compass and sense of right and wrong. It's always so fascinating to me, coming out of secular research. We have this connection back to Scripture. Resilient children know who they are and whose they are, and they know what they stand for. And the fruit of the Spirit. We know Those from Galatians 5. They help our kids form resilience against peer pressure and adversity. The fruits of the Spirit. We want them to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Against these things, there is no law. I tell my kids that all the time. So you should be discussing moral dilemmas, not just what's happening in the news, not what just happening on media you're watching, not what you just, just the events of what's happening in their interpersonal dynamics, but encourage them to be an influencer. What do you think God would want you to do in this situation? What character trait is God refining in you? And think about that. Do you know what character trait in your family that God is working on? Do you know which family members working on patience, which one's working on joy, which one's working on self control? Yeah, you know it. But talking about it and encouraging each other in that way is really, really helpful. So we've got competence, we've got confidence, we've got connection, we've got character. Number five is contribution. Knowing that they matter, knowing they make a difference. Resilient kids, they see themselves as some, as part of something bigger. And that contribution builds identity and purpose. This comes through service. This comes through serving your church. Whether your kid is serving in kids ministry at church, whether they're serving in a food bank in your local community. We are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works that comes from Ephesians. So involve them in service, whether it's helping their neighbor, just checking on them, writing a card for a nursing home. Does your child see value in their contribution, not just their achievement? Because those service things, that's not just oh well, I served, there's a lot of service that is thankless. But do they see that smile on that person's face when they go to the nursing home and they know, know that they contributed something really valuable? Okay, so we've got competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution.

Resilient families need practical tools to manage their feelings when it's overwhelming

The next one is coping. These are healthy strategies for stress and hardship. Resilient families need practical tools to manage their feelings when it's overwhelming. And that is really hard to do. So we've got to have some coping mechanisms. One way that I teach this is having a feeling wheel you can use. Get these online. It's pretty easy to do. And you look at the middle of that circle and it's got some core feelings, sadness, fear, joy. And then you go out and you try to, to really nail down what that feeling is. Is it if you're feeling sad, is it because you're jealous, Is it because you are hopeless? What is that specific feeling of sadness? And then go to God's word. If you have a good Bible with a concordance, you can look up a lot of those feelings, feelings and start to Read scripture and speak that over over your family. Worship music is an excellent coping tool because it can lift your spirit, it can calm your spirit. And so think about, are you showing your kids that faith and coping tools go hand in hand? So competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping. And the last one is self control because of course that one's listed last in the Bible. It's the hardest one, right? And it's understanding what, what can and can't be changed. What we have control over as well. Resilient kids know I can control some things and some things I cannot control. And they learn responsibility without pressure. So we've got to say, hey, we, we are not in control, but we know who is in control and that is God. And God loves you and has a plan for your life. That's so important because there's a lot of challenges for these building blocks to resilience in today's culture. It's not just as easy as okay, here's these seven keys, go put them in your favor, family. Because we have a world where kids are constantly exposed to trauma. They see school shootings, we just recently saw another church shooting. They see wars, they see disasters at ages where they really can't process it. We see comparison culture that undermines their confidence. We see less real world practice solving conflicts face to face. They're just trying, they either ghost someone or walk away or unfriend them or they have AI chatbots that are, are so much cleaner friendships that don't have conflict. And we. So that is really, really difficult. We've got to do our best to limit our kids exposure to the media and work on those in person skills. Because in the shadow of all of this is the culture wars. And today's kids are growing up in a 247 culture of conflict. We're seeing political battles and church divisions, even debates over education, identity and morality. City and social media amplifies the outrage. Kids feel like they want a cause to fight, whether that's war or injustice, long before they have the tools to process that. And at home, parents and grandparents, we may be passionately discussing these battles. I remember doing this in the car and my husband and I were on the same page. We were talking about something political. I look in the back seat and I see kids who are scared and they one's even got tears in their eyes saying why are you fighting? Fighting. They don't interpret that we have good intentions. So kids can feel like that war is happening around them, that it's happening to them, but we need to make sure we're giving them the message that this is happening for them. We are fighting for their hearts because when we have this constant conflict, it's emotionally exhausting. Kids are absorbing that adult anxiety that we feel that we're walking around with that tension without fully understanding it. And it is weakening their ability physically to be able to fight stress. And when kids only hear what we're against, they miss what we're for. And we are for our kids knowing their identity in Christ. We want them to be connected at home. If we are spending more energy debating culture on social media or in church meetings or political groups than we aren't connecting with them, then they're going to start the very resenting the very things that we are fighting. And we've got to have resilience over shame. If children feel like they're disappointments when they struggle with these issues, which are really, really hard, we need them to know they can wrestle in safe relationships. And when we come back, we'll talk about how to fight for our kids hearts and more pathways toward resilient families when we come back.

Buddy Smith: We live in a day when America's families are under attack like never before. Buddy Smith, Senior Vice President of the American Family association the war against biblical principles rages on numerous fronts. The Internet, Hollywood, Washington D.C. america's corporate boardrooms, and the list goes on. At American Family association, we're committed to standing against the enemies of God, the enemies of your family, and we recognize it's an impossible task without God's favor and your partnership. Thank you for being faithful to pray for this ministry, to give financially and to respond to our calls for activism. What you do on the home front is crucial to what we do on the battlefront. We praise God for your faithfulness and may he give us many victories in the battles ahead as we work together to restore our nation's biblical foundations.

Holy Forever by Chris Tomlin: Your name is the highest, your name is the greatest. Your name stands above them all. And the angels cry holy all creation cries holy. You are lifted high. Holy, holy forever.

Dr. Jessica Peck: welcome back, friends. That song is Holy Forever by Chris Tomlin. And if you have been paying attention to the news, I've seen this song everywhere. And I'm grateful for worship leaders like Chris Tomlin who really have provided a soundtrack to our faith and expressed through scripture, through worship, through music, some of those sentiments that we have at life's most, most unexplainable moments, whether that be a funeral, a memorial, a, church service after something scary has happened. In today's day and age. It's really hard to raise resilient families. But that's what I'm endeavoring to do today is to help answer the question, how do we raise resilient families in a culture that is fighting against us tooth and nail with everything that it has? Well, the first thing we've got to do is remember that we are not just fighting against the world. We, we are fighting for the hearts of our children. And that resilience is strengthened most by a secure connection at home through faith, through a healthy faith connection. We have got to go for that. That means that we listen more than we lecture, which is really hard to do. That means we invite hard questions. When our kids are wrestling with these tough things without any fear, we open those, we, we are, open for those we know that God is big enough to handle our questions. And we remind our children, whether they're 5 or 50 or 150, you belong, you are loved, you matter, you are made on purpose, by purpose, for purpose, with purpose. And that is so important. So we've got to make this battle personal, not just political. So instead of only railing against culture, make sure you're translating that message at home to show how God, God's truth brings life and joy and safety. And that's important. Model grace and disagreements. How we speak about the other side forms our kids resilience. If they only hear contempt or disgust or disdain or fear, then they are not going to develop confidence to be able to meet those challenges that they are facing. We can disagree boldly, but we can still show love and respect. And that's a balance that kids need confidence and competence to do and make sure that we are centering on relationship, not reaction. They need to hear I love you much more than they hear the world isn't safe. Did you know about this? This safe, this threat to your safety? Tell them I love you until they're rolling their eyes and saying I know you had. Until they're doing that, you haven't said it enough. Enough. And ask yourself if your children know why you're concerned about the things you're concerned about, why you're fighting the battles that you're fighting, whatever that may be, whatever they might look like at home. Because Jesus modeled truth, bold truth and grace. And our kids need that same thing too. They need clear moral direction and they need unconditional love. And when one is missing, resilience wobbles. Because if we don't have clear moral direction, they don't know what their moral compass is. They don't know what their boundaries are. If they, they don't have unconditional love, then that just makes a condition of fear where they feel like they have to perform. And we know again that faith and resilience are tied together by science. That secure attachment, meaningful connection to a healthy relationship with an adult who loves them is the single strongest predictor of resilience. And parents have the amazing privilege of choosing for that to be them. That's really exciting. So think about, are you spending more time warning your children about the evils of the world than you are building joy and safety within your home? We've got to create a safe space in an unsafe world. Acknowledging the dangers and the evils that are in the world, but also creating joy at home. And when our kids hear us talk about cultural issues, do they feel inspired or do they feel fearful? Or maybe they even feel overlooked? But we need to know. We need them to know that we're fighting for them. That's so important. It doesn't matter if we win culture wars if we lose our children's heart hearts. But if we win their hearts, we have won the war. We really have. Because we know that they'll be prepared for whatever culture is going to throw at them. And resilience doesn't come from avoiding struggle. It's practicing safe struggle. Just like coaches. my husband thinks there's no parenting problem that can't be solved with a good sports analogy. And I'm starting to be convinced he may not be wrong. But coaches don't just play the game for their athletes. They're giving drills, they're giving constructive feedback, they're giving assistance. Safe place to practice, a safe place to fail, a safe place to build strength. So we've got to let our kids face challenges, whether that's a school struggle, a friendship conflict, a financial learning while being a safe place for them to process. And that's important because I hear a lot of people say kids are too soft today. And we know that that's overprotection can absolutely weaken resilience. But softness isn't weakness. We've got to have boundaries and unconditional love, which is so important because we know, we know from science the predictors of resilience. Strong relationships with family, friends and faith, A sense of purpose and meaning, being able to have some emotional coping skills, healthy risk taking opportunities to fail. And again, faith as a foundation, trusting the God's sovereignty, not having to depend on myself, not self sufficiency, not self esteem, not self help, but help in the creator of the universe. That's so important. And as we look at resilience culture, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you there's a lot of pushback, on it because we, some parents are saying, I'm tired of telling my kids to be resilient. I want, we need to have some more effort to have a world in which they don't have to experience all of this trauma. And that's really hard to do. But what we see is there is a burden of unrealistic expectations. Resilience culture sometimes says, hey, just bounce back, like, just, you know, it's okay, like God is with you. And we oversimplify this in the realm of our faith. And it creates pressure and shame for kids and adults, honestly, who are struggling. And instead of making them more resilient, it can make them discouraged. But we can know that even biblical heroes struggled. Elijah, after his tremendous victory over the prophets of baal, he fell into despair. He ran away. He actually prayed for death. And God didn't scold him. What did he do? He gave, he gave him food, he gave him rest, he gave him presence. That's really important. Another, toxic thing about resilience culture that can be there is just overemphasizing individual willpower. Like, just try harder, just pray harder, just go to church more, just be better and do better. And that neglects the reality that resilience happens in relationship, it happens in community. They don't. Kids aren't going to build resilience on their own. It requires connection. They've got to walk with other people. When someone puts an arm around you, when someone says, hey, I'm praying for you, I'm thinking about you. You know, I've really, you've been on my heart. Those things are going to build resilience. It's never self sufficiency. It's walking in community with other people, bear one another's burdens, and in so doing fulfill the laws of Christ. And some other, criticism of resilience theory is saying, hey, some kids, they face a lot harder things than other kids. Some kids face trauma that other kids will never see in their lifetime. Some kids see abuse, some kids see really severe poverty. And, and no amount of grit or strength can re. Can have that. But we know that, we know from Micah 6, 8 that we are called to respond to the culture. We are called to protect those who can't protect themselves. So it's got to be both. And we've got to have some of these Cultural factors that we're talking about influencing making the world a better place for kids as much as we can, while recognizing that we live in an imperfect world and we've got to build those relationships and, and make sure that we're loving on the kids that God has put in our lives now. Also, sometimes numbness is confused with resilience. Like, just get over it. But true resilience doesn't mean that you're not really, really sad. When we look in the Bible, we see concepts of lament. If you've read the psalms at all, you will see these are gut wrenching expressions of despair and grief and sorrow and pain and all kinds of really tough emotions. So we know that those feelings can be felt. We know that that is biblical and we know that we can respond to those feelings. And we can also look at resilience as a performance metric. Like kids who are more resilient. Generally those are easier to teach, those kids are easier to work with. And so we have this kind of, bias for resilient kids and we say, oh, why can't you be like that? But some kids really just don't have the temperament for that kind of resilience. It's harder for them and it just leads to kind of performative toughness instead of just really being authentically strong. And some kids may just hide their feelings because they feel so insecure about them. That can be really, really hard. So we need a faith based reframe. Resilience is not about bouncing back quickly. It's leaning into God's presence. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For your rod and your staff, they comfort me. That's resilience. We know weakness is not failure. It's a space where God's strength is most visible. And my weakness, God has made strong, strong. We know that resilience is, is community based. It's not individual carry each other's burdens. We know that resilience and a faith based reframe allows space for lament.

What does resilience mean for your family? Well, it means giving each other permission

So what does this mean? What does this mean for your family? Well, it means that we give each other permission to struggle. Instead of saying, get over it, just say, I see you feel sad, I'm here and what can we do to walk through this together? It means that we model vulnerability. We share time. Times that we have needed help, times that we have struggled. It doesn't mean being perfect. And we balance resilience with compassion. Compassion, yes. I'm going to give you a compassion. But Also, you got to get up and you got to get back on that horse again. That's really hard. And focus on growth. Not, not a timeline. Every kid is going to be different. So think about. Here's some reflection questions for you. Do you pressure your kids to bounce back too quickly when they start struggle just because it's inconvenient? I, I've done that. I'm just going to be honest and say I've done that when it's inconvenient for them to struggle. Or do you confuse resilience with toughness? Just overlooking the values of tears and weakness and honesty? And how can we shift our families to be resilient? By showing them resilience is trusting God's sovereignty. It's walking with the Lord. It's knowing that he loves you more than anything. It's knowing who your identity is that that's so important to do. So some of the starter steps that we can have, when you have those kids who are just starting school, just assign age appropriate chores. Let your kids do the chores even if they don't load the dishwasher the right way. This was hard for me as type A. Even if they're not folding the clothes correctly, even if they are not doing the recipe just right, assign them age appropriate chores and work through the mess. Just let it be. Teach them conflict resolution when they're having conflict with their siblings, with their peers. Walk them through how to do that. Where do you need to own accountability? What do you need to apologize for? What healthy boundaries do you need to put up? And don't just cut off the relationship or, or try to fix everything for them. And even at a young age, it doesn't matter how old you are. Encouraging prayer, journaling, scripture, memory, documenting the ways that God has been faithful to you, the ways in which you felt like, okay, I feel weak, I feel overwhelmed. And how did God meet you in that moment? How did that help you become resilience? Those are great for school age kids. Now for teens, the best thing that you can do for resilience, I'm telling you right now, mark this down, gold star. It allow teens to experience natural consequences. Allow them as much as possible where it's safe. If they forget their lunch, they forget their lunch. If they forget to a deadline and they get a zero on assignment, they get in a zero on an assignment. If they forget to sign up for something on a deadline, well, they miss that experience. You've got to judge as a parent what is safe there. But allow them to work through those natural consequences. Here's the key. Allow them to work through that without shame, without piling shame on top of it. Because most of the time, those natural consequences are going to be enough to correct their behavior, to help them become resilient. Rather than knowing we're going to bail them out every time and bring up their sports equipment every once in a while is fine. But allow them to experience the natural consequences while expressing support and empathy. Empathy, yeah, that. That's tough. That stinks. it never feels good to make a bad grade. Is there anything I can do to help support you? To change your behaviors, to change your habits, to change your routines, to set you up for success? That's so important. Teens also need mentors beyond their parents. Really encourage them to be plugged into community where they're seeing this not just modeled by you, but modeled by other people you trust in their life. Discuss cultural challenges, challenges openly and biblically and with compassion for their perspective, but also that uncompromising stance on biblical truth. And as your teens start to grow up, support their financial independence. Don't bail them out every time. Encourage their faith decisions to be personal and teach them resilience in their relationship. That does mean healthy boundaries. That's so important to do. So think about where. Where are you putting too much emphasis on protecting your kids rather than preparing them for the trials that they will face? And I encourage you to think. And this question as I'm answering. How do we raise families who are resilient? What can you do to be more resilient as a family? It's not about raising a perfect family, having a perfect family. It's about having a family who knows where our strength comes from, who can bend without bricks, because we know we are rooted and grounded and abiding in Christ. And I pray that as you work to make your family more resilient, that the Lord would bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace. And I'll see you back here on Monday.

Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.