Transcript

Preborn needs your help to provide ultrasounds for pregnant women

Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword BABY or visit preborn.com/AFR Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends, and welcome to my favorite part of the afternoon, getting to spend time with you prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. And today we are talking about an issue that is very near and dear to my heart. And that is, that should be important to all of us. We are talking about the dignity of every human life. And today we are going to bring to you a story that changed everything. As we approach Sanctity of Human Life Day that will be happening next week, this is a great opportunity to remind us that life is not an accident. It is, it is sacred. It is intentional. It is. Every life is deeply loved by God. And today we're not starting with statistics. We are starting with a story. And a story of a young woman who's who chose courage over fear. And the story of a mother who gained her daughter through love and surrender. A story that reminds us that every life has a perfect even when the beginning of that life feels unplanned. And our guest today lives this truth every day. We're talking today to Terri Marcroft  and she is an adoptive mom whose all time hero is her daughter's birth mother. This is a young woman who made an adoption plan while still in high school. And we're going to talk about the sacredness of life and the power of choice and how God can bring beautiful purpose out of unexpected beginnings. Terri, we're so glad to have you here. Thank you so much for joining us.

Terri Marcroft: Thank you so much for having me, Jessica.

Terri and her husband turned to adoption when they were unable to conceive

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, we are going to talk about the power of choosing life today and I would love to start just with your own personal story of how you came to know the Lord and how your life story, came to the point of adoption.

Terri Marcroft: so, Jessica, it was, it was kind of a crazy story and a wild adventure because when my husband and I were, feeling ready to start a family, we were not able to have kids. And that was Extremely disappointing to both of us. But eventually we turned to adoption as a way to start our family. And so we worked with an adoption agency and, were on the waiting list for a few years until finally the agency called and said that a young woman who was facing an unplanned pregnancy had chosen adoption and then had chosen us to parent her baby. And so that was just a day of amazing grace and gift. And at that point, our, this young woman that I'm talking about was about halfway through her pregnancy. And so she called us and she called me because my husband was out of town. And we were able to talk about her decision and her plan and her future and her pregnancy. And so, we, I remember we had about a two hour long call and she, told me everything that she had been hoping about and why she made an adoption plan. And so since she was only halfway through her pregnancy, I was able to walk with her. We were able to walk with her through that second half, which was a very huge gift of sharing for us because she allowed me to go to doctor's appointments with her, we went to ultrasound appointments with her. We were able to find maternity clothes for her because at this point, actually I, I should say my six siblings already had 15 kids among them.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Wow.

Terri Marcroft: And so fertility had never been a problem in my family. but, so my sisters actually gave us some maternity clothes for this young woman to wear in the latter half of her pregnancy. And just the whole, the whole ride was just so beautiful with her. She was sure about her plan. She never gave us a reason to doubt that this was going to happen. And it just felt secure and confident and wise. And we went through that second half of her pregnancy, and then we were able to, be there in the hospital when she delivered. And it's an amazing, adventure to see your baby born because it's a vantage point that very few women have, of course, when their baby's being born. And so my husband was able to cut the cord and, we tested our daughter to make sure that she was healthy and everything was fine. And then we drove home the next day with her and started our parenting journey.

Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, it's beautiful. Terri, thank you so much for sharing your story. And I do want to make sure that our listeners know that American Family Radio has a really beautiful program and more than a program, a community called Hannah's Heart, that walks through walks, families through those, some of those journeys like you're talking about and sharing your own Terri, of pregnancy, loss of Infertility of child, loss of just all of those things that can happen along the way. And I'm so grateful for so many redemptive stories where God makes beauty from what feels like ashes. And I'm sure that was very difficult for you, Terri, having all of your siblings have children and to think, okay, why. Why me, God? Why this road? But to see God's redemptive plan and all of that. And I encourage our listeners to listen into that. You can find it on the AFR app called Hannah's Heart, or you can go to afr.net and find it. Such a great, encouragement to so many. I know. So I just want to make sure our listeners know about that. And, And Terri, I'm sure. At what point did your own personal story of adopting a baby become a ministry to help others do the same? Were you thinking that along the way? Is that something that came later? How did God give you that vision for that Min. Where and when was that birthed?

Terri Marcroft: Well, the, the first decade or so of parenting, Sydney was, you know, an adventure. It's a very busy time because you have kids too. It's very busy. And so. But, and. And I was in my 40s for that first decade of raising her. And so at that point, a lot of my friends who had also, you know, postponed parenting a bit, a lot of my friends came. How did. How was that possible for you? How did you and your husband, have a successful adoption? Because it's so difficult because there are so few babies placed for adoption in the US and so that made me dive into the details about adoption, how it works these days, what the numbers are and the statistics, and why was it so rare that we were able to have this beautiful adoption? And that's when I found out, how few babies are actually placed for adoption. And learning the statistics, learning that we have in this country 2.8 million unplanned pregnancies every year. And out of those, just under half choose abortion, and just over half choose to parent. And that leaves less than 1% of those unplanned pregnancies where women actually choose to make an adoption plan. And I just thought that's crazy, because we had such a beautiful experience with our birth mother. I just wanted to shout from the rooftops that adoption is, a wonderful solution. it's a healthier alternative, I believe, than the other two. And I thought that people were just not very well informed about how adoption works in this country. So that's what started. The ministry was My friends asking and my research to find out how few women choose adoption. And I thought, more people need to know about this.

We're really seeing a trend towards open adoption, or what is that?

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, let's talk about this open adoption, because that is something that is relatively new in, American history and it may be something that's unfamiliar to a lot of people who are listening. And I think, you know, when adoption used to happen, it used to be such a mystery. And probably a lot of people have seen a TV show or maybe a social media story of someone searching for their parents when all of those records are sealed and they have no idea. Now I've encountered a lot of those kinds of adoptions as a healthcare provider, because when I take a health history, they say, I don't know, I was adopted and used to. What that meant was I have no access to any of my birth records. I don't know who that is. And we started to see that change through DNA companies where people could start to go and search for relatives, and figure out who their relatives were through DNA. But we're really seeing a trend towards open adoption, or what is that? And you did this, you know, more than 20 years ago now. But what is the difference between a closed adoption and an open adoption?

Terri Marcroft: So a closed adoption was mostly the standard or the norm in the 1970s and 80s. And that meant that often it wasn't the pregnant woman who was making her own decisions, sometimes it was forced on her by her parents or her boyfriend, but it was, it was not a voluntary decision. And that means that it was also covered in shame and denial, and secrecy. And so today we've to fast forward into the 2000s, 2000 teens, 2000s, the open adoption is much more the norm. And typically that means that there's some kind of exchange of information because the woman who's, who's placing for adoption and the adoptive parents want to have some kind of a connection. And so if there's the possibility to exchange information, that means there's also a possibility for relationship. And so sometimes people want to have more of an open adoption, which could mean exchanging photos, something very simple to do once a year or so. But it could mean ongoing relationship as well. But open adoption just means possibility. And it's much more the standard now because it's been shown to be much healthier. With transparency and truth comes less trauma and a more healthy, practice. So it's very much the standard practice in our country today. Over 90% of them are some degree of openness.

Dr. Jessica Peck: And that really is a completely different paradigm.

You talk about trauma. There's trauma endured by the child, but also by the birth parents who are giving up that baby

You Know, because I mentioned, and we often think about the child and who is wondering who are their birth parents and searching for that. But as you just mentioned there, especially in the 70s and 80s, there were a lot of parents who gave up their child who, you know, maybe didn't want to or maybe just felt like they didn't have any other choice. But we think about that parent who is longing for that child and never knows who adopts them, where they went in the world. I've talked to a lot of mothers who have given their children up for adoption and never knew where they went and wanted so much to convey that, you know, I loved you. I was in this situation. You know, this is what happened. This is the story. Or are they happy? Did it go well? You know, just all of that mystery that's also. You talk about trauma. There's trauma that is endured by the child, but also by the birth parents who are giving up that baby. And I think it's really.

Open adoption means possibility; how do families navigate that?

It can be difficult, though, to have that open adoption. So what do you see as, you know, how do families navigate that? Because some families may be hearing that and thinking, well, what does that even look like to have the. The birth parents in our life? But I like how you framed it, Terri, meaning that open adoption means possibility. So tell us again and walk us through, what does the range of that possibility look like?

Terri Marcroft: So it could be something like just an annual Christmas card that could be considered an open adoption because there's some kind of a connection. But, to go to the other extreme, it could be even phone calls or zooms or visits. It all depends on the comfort level of everyone involved. But like any relationship in your life, you set boundaries and you decide how often you want to see that person. You go out to dinner if you want to, not if you're forced to. So every relationship really is what you make it. but yes, the first instinct is fear for just often for the adoptive parents, they're a little bit afraid of letting the birth parents in. but fear is the opposite of faith, right? They can't coexist. And so if you have faith that everyone wants to do the right thing for that child, then all of us can work together to figure out a situation. And a, standard practice for your relationship that's going to make it a healthy thing for everyone involved.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That's really helpful to know. And I think that, just having information about what adoption looks like and what those options are like, and I think, you know, giving some power and some agency to the birth mother. And you, you mentioned being chosen by your, by the birth mother that she chose you. What, what do you think? How do you think that changed the narrative of your story?

Terri Marcroft: Well, our birth mother had a couple of criteria that she wanted to have met by the adoptive parents because she wanted to find a couple who was, stable and set in their careers. She wanted to find a couple who didn't have kids already, so that she was placing her baby in a single child home. And then she also wanted to find a couple who could give her baby a lot of cousins.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Oh, goodness.

Terri Marcroft: That we were able to do that.

Dr. Jessica Peck: God has a sense of humor.

Terri Marcroft: God has a sense of humor. Yeah. And so when we connected, our birth mother was just so sure that we were the right ones, we were the right parents for her baby. And so that, you know, and our, our relationship ebbed and flowed over time. It, it, it's not always the same. Sometimes you're closer, sometimes you're farther. Sometimes you get mad at your friends, and sometimes times you make up, you know, that's the way it goes.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That's so true. Terri, I'm going to hold you right there because we're already at our first break, but we have a lot more to talk about with Terry Marcroft. We're talking about being pro family, pro adoption, and talking about a guide to unplanned pregnancy. We'll be right back. On the other side of this break.

Preborn Network helps women choose life through a free ultrasound

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Graves Into Gardens by Brandon Lake and Elevation Worship: But. It couldn't fill me? Treasures that fade never enough? Then you came along? Put me back together? Every desire is now satisfied? Here in your love? Oh, there's nothing better than you? There's nothing better than you? Oh, there's nothing? Nothing is better than you? I'm not afraid? Show you my weakness? My failures? You seen them all and you still call me.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is Graves into gardens by Brandon Lake. And the God of the mountains is the God of the valleys. And today, we're talking about the sanctity of human life. And we're talking about the hope that adoption brings, and certainly unplanned pregnancy can bring with it. It is a journey that is marked by mountains and valleys. And having worked as a pediatric nurse for more than 30 years now, I have seen countless adoption stories. I've seen them in my practice. I've seen them in my community. I've seen them in my family. I have seen unplanned pregnancy, and I have seen the beauty of life coming forward. And I've seen circumstances that women experience that they would never wish for, that they would never plan, that they wonder, how in the world can God make a good story out of this? And yet I have seen babies born. I have seen those babies grow into children who are just made in the image of God. And I've seen God do such redemptive work. I've seen miracles with my own eyes that I could fill books with to tell you about the stories that God has brought from unplanned pregnancy and from adoption. And every baby is beautiful. Every baby baby is a beautiful creation of God. And when we think about Sanctity of Human Life Day that's coming up, very soon here, it does call us to honestly look at some hard realities. And today, one of those hard realities is adoption. My guest today, Terri Marcroft, shared with us earlier that fewer than 1% of women facing unplanned pregnancies in the U.S. choose adoption, while at the same time, there's nearly 2 million couples hoping and praying to adopt. Now, that's a completely different story for adopting kids in foster care and and older kids who are in need of families. Today, we're talking specifically about babies. And this is not just a statistic. It's a heartbreaking gap between fear and hope. And Terry Marcroft saw that gap, has shared her story, that gap, and instead of looking away, she stepped right into it. And after years in high tech marketing and raising her daughter who was adopted, and through an open adoption, which she's been sharing with us about, she founded unplannedgood.org to encourage women to see adoption not as a loss, but as a possibility. That is the word that keeps coming up over and over and over again is possibility. And new life is always just such a great possibility. And so we're talking about why adoption is faded from the conversation and how fear can silence many women and how the church and families can become voices of compassion and courage.

Most of the time, fear dominates conversations about unplanned pregnancy

Now, Terri, for me, I have been with a lot of women and a lot of young girls, to be honest, in those first moments of finding out they're pregnant, I have been that person that walks into the exam room and gives them the news they may not have known. And I see those conversations are so marked by fear. Most of the time, fear dominates that conversation. What am I going to do? What are people going to think? And it's just so overwhelming in that moment. How do you see, with the women you're working with today, how do you see fear dominating a lot of the narrative about unplanned pregnancy?

Terri Marcroft: No doubt the fear is the first emotion when a woman finds out that she's pregnant and that was not her intention. So it's an extremely scary moment, for sure, for sure. but as her, those of us who are the adults in her life, the ones who are going to mentor and advise and encourage her, there's a couple of things that, that I might suggest that we could keep in mind when we're sitting face to face with that woman who's just terrified. one of them is that, I think if we perceive our role to be educational and encouraging, it's important, I think, to combat the national narratives that are all about abortion being real, easy and quick and without consequences, because that's what society tells these women. Or that single parenting, if that's what she's faced with, is the virtuous choice, you know, because of course, choosing life is what we would hope and what we would encourage. But there's so much that women don't know about abortion. There's so much of the narrative that's lacking. And when you look at the big picture, there are some serious risks and health consequences of abortion that your typical 16, 17, 18 year old has no idea about what that could be doing to her body in the future. And also even choosing single parenting, that is way harder than most people realize, because especially if you don't have a partner or a degree or an income stream or any way of supporting yourself independently, much less a child, that's a real difficult road as well. So if we could encourage the young woman to look at the big picture and evaluate adoption as one of her options, if we can just get that on the table, I think we've done, we've made some progress to just have that on the table as one of the options that she might consider that she might look into. And then as soon as you get that on the table. There's so much that the average person doesn't know about adoption today. They don't know what the openness means. They don't know that they can set their own criteria like our birth mother did. She had those three. Three specific points, and that's what she was looking for. And they don't know that they can actually talk with potential adoptive parents before making a decision, and they don't know that they can. It's, up to them to choose the parents and then to have some input about the level of openness that that adoption might include. So there's a lot of education to be done about adoption in order to be able to evaluate it wisely. And so I think as the mentors and the adults in the room, just to provide all of that information and education is a huge, an advantage that you're giving to her, an advantage that will allow her to evaluate, appropriately and from an informed standpoint.

Often for adoption stories, they begin with traumatic circumstances

Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, Terri, in the course of my career, I've encountered, as I've shared many, many adoption stories. And often for adoption stories, they begin with traumatic circumstances, with something that led to an unplanned pregnancy. And very often, very, very often there is trauma that is involved there. But as far as the adoption story itself goes, I have very rarely. I have on occasion, but very rarely encountered a family who experienced trauma as a result of their adoption journey. And most of the time, I hear families who share how redemptive that was, how encouraging that was, just how beautiful that was. Now, on the other side of that, I have talked to many, many women who have had an abortion experience, Cheri. And I can say with all confidence that I have never spoken to a woman who said that her abortion experience was not traumatic. And in fact, I've heard very, very horrific, stories that are involved with that. And it is traumatic on so many levels. Physically Emotionally, mentally, psychologically. I mean, just name it. When you. Spiritually, when you look at the whole. The holistic impacts of that, and I think that you're right. When we look at the narrative, we see Abortion that's often, you know, held up as a courageous choice and, and really a pressure in that way. It's either. And the. And the choice seems very, very. You have two choices. You abort the baby or you keep the baby. But this adoption, in the talking about adoption, I don't think there's a lot of people who are giving information, who are empowering that young woman to make a decision for adoption.

There's so much misconception around adoption

And I appreciate you bringing that, into the picture because there's so much misconception around adoption. What do you see as the biggest misconceptions or misinformation that is shared widely about adoption?

Terri Marcroft: Well, the very first starting point is that women, are offered a choice and said, and that the choice of adoption means giving up your baby. And we're trying to change that language because if with open adoption, you're actually not giving up, you're placing into a healthy, stable family with the possible opportunity to stay in touch. So, the potential future connection in itself can be very tempting, very encouraging to see that that would be a beneficial side of adoption. because a lot of the objection is that you hear in crisis pregnancy centers is, I could never give up my baby. And so just knowing you don't actually have to can be, a great thing to know, great piece of information that we can share with people. And, so for all of us who are in a position of encouraging the woman who's facing the unplanned pregnancy, if we think about it from a standpoint of loving that young woman, this could be the case with my nieces or even my own daughter, or women that are in your neighborhood or in your church if you really want the best for her. It means taking a look at adoption because of the huge negative consequences of the other two options. And there's a good chance that if that woman is saying, I cannot parent, there's no way I can spend the next 20 years of my life being a mom. That's just not going to work because I have other plans or whatever the situation is. We can change our narrative and say, how about just getting through the next six months? And that could be all it takes for her to look at adoption in a different way. So you can give life, you can finish your pregnancy, and then you can choose parents. And that can be very empowering. So imagine if all of us changed our, encouragement to just say, let's think about just this year and getting through it. Because it's definitely not an easy road to choose. I would never want to Sugarcoat it and pretend that it's a piece of cake, because it's definitely not. That's a hard year. But I have had so many women say to me, the year that they placed for adoption was the hardest, most difficult year of their lives. But looking back on it, it was also the most beautiful and rewarding year of their lives. And if you can imagine someone who's like, under 25 years old, who can look back later in life on the family that they created and see that as a very rewarding redemptive decision that they made for a woman. To think, I did the best work of my life when I was 18. How amazing is that?

Dr. Jessica Peck: That really is amazing. And I'm thinking of a specific adoptive family that I know, that are personal friends of mine who couldn't have a baby, who adopted children who are now teenagers. And looking at those situations, both of those children were from teen pregnancies. And seeing those children grow and thrive and just flourish in the ways that God created them to be, seeing their. The own way, their own specific ways that each child, of course, is uniquely gifted. And to see that come to fruition and see that open adoption, it has been really a beautiful journey to follow. And yes, I see exactly what you're saying. I see that the birth mothers who feel so glad that they gave their children a chance at life and that their children were loved and cared for by someone who welcomed them into their life. And, you know, I think this is really hard because when kids want to know their story, you know, we can't protect every kid from every trial and every trauma that can ex. That they can experience, but we can step into their story and introduce them to a redemptive narrative and having some of those questions answered. I'm just speaking from my own personal experience, having talked to families who have experienced this. I see those kids as they can understand that they can understand things that are explained to them. And there's something that's comforting about the unknown being taken out. They know who their birth mother was. They know why they were placed with a family for adoption. And so understanding that is really helpful. And Terri, I'm looking at your website, even right now, as we're talking about it's unplanned good.org and when I'm looking at it, when the first tab that's on there is understanding adoption, seeing adoption choices, open adoption, explained adoption, frequently asked questions. And I would encourage you, if you are just wanting to know more about adoption, to speak with the children who may be in your life. Maybe you're a Sunday school teacher, maybe you're a life group leader, maybe maybe you're encountering people who are, who have had an adoption story. It's so helpful to educate yourself on what's going on with adoption. How do we talk about that story in a way that is edifying, a way that is encouraging? Also looking at your website, Terri, I see personal stories which are always so powerful. And I see a ton of resources, adoption agencies, medical information, links and books for kids and films and newsletters and all kinds of things. And when we come back, we'll talk some more about adoption and about the sanctity of human life. I'm so grateful, Terri, for your story and for the ways that you have stepped into ministry. And now Terri Marcroft is the founder and executive director of Unplanned Good and she has a new book coming out, a book, a Pro choice Pro adoption A Loving Response to Unplanned Pregnancy. And you can go to unplanned good.org to find out more information. We will be back talking more about the redemption and courage and how do we encourage a culture of life, how do we do that in how we live? We'll be right back with more.

The early Church fathers viewed the scriptures as divinely inspired

Here's Dr. Carl Trueman from the American Family Studios documentary the God who Speaks.

Dr. Carl Trueman: The early Church fathers viewed the scriptures as, divinely inspired. Often they would use the image of, a musical instrument as if scripture had been written in the way that say, notes come out of a flute when it's played by a flute player, as if the, the writer was the flute and the, the spirit was, was that which was creating the tune. Certainly they regarded scripture as authoritative. When you look at the writings of the Apostolic Fathers, they're very happy to quote scripture and consider that to have closed down the argument. So obviously the Apostolic Fathers rooted tremendous authority in the actual words, of scripture itself, which implies they had a very high view of its inspiration. Visit thegodwhospeaks.org.

Big God by Terrian: They think that I'm, all by myself in this fight. But they do not know the infinite size, of the God who is by my side under fire. But my Goliaths standing in the shadow of the Almighty, testifying.

Less than 1% of women who face unplanned pregnancy actually choose adoption

Welcome back, friends. That is Big God by Terrian and that's exactly what we're talking about today. We serve a big God who steps into the circumstances of unpleasant planned pregnancy and according to my guest has Unplanned Good. That is the name of her ministry. You can go to unplannedgood.org for more information. And as we approach Sanctity of Human Life today. Sorry, Sanctity of Human Life Day, if I can say it correctly, it's not just about what we believe. It is how we live now. This is about what we say when someone is desperate and scared or alone. It's about whether we offer judgment or whether we offer love or support. And I remember one day when I was in the ladies room at my church, it was a Sunday morning, I had just had my own baby and I was in the bathroom taking care of that baby, and there was another woman in there who was watching me care for my child. And all of a sudden she just started crying and she blurted out that she had had an abortion and no one knew about that. And it really always reminds me how this issue is so close to home. We think, oh, we don't know anybody who's experienced this, but you might be surprised who, you know, who has experienced an unplanned pregnancy. And when we're talking about women who are facing unplanned pregnancy, today we're focused on focusing on the choice of adoption. As Terri has shared with us, less than 1% of women who face an unplanned pregnancy actually choose adoption. And Terri's helping us imagine something better. A culture where women are supported, where children are celebrated, where adoption is understood as an act of courage and love and not giving up your baby, but placing your, your baby with a family who loves them, who supports them, about having an intentional choice. And what does it really mean to be a pro life family, not just in our beliefs and our opinions, but in action. And how every one of us can help create a safer world for both mothers and babies. Because when the people of God lead with love and unplanned pregnancy, life is going to win. And that is something that is very, very good.

One in four teens will be pregnant before age 20, Terri says

Terri, tell us a little bit more about what the resources are that people can find on your website. unplannedgood.org some of the resources that are there that people will find.

Terri Marcroft: One of the. One of the. My favorite resources is giving people some words to talk about this. Because if you're the aunt or the parent or the teacher or the pastor of any group of teenagers, the fact is that one in four will be pregnant before age 20. So that means it's all around us, whether you see it or not or whether you want to address it or not. There's so many opportunities for us to encourage and speak into the young woman's choice as she's making her decision. And so just I would love to have more people embrace that opportunity and be courageous after they've gotten educated about, open adoption today and to just be fearless in suggesting it. You know, if my own daughter happened to face an unplanned pregnancy right now at 26, I would really want her to understand adoption as one of her options because the other two, like you say, all of them have lifelong consequences. Of course, because an unplanned pregnancy is a situation for which there's no ideal solution. But, if you're looking at the big picture and all of the long term consequences, I remain a fan of open adoption. And so that's why it's important, I think, for everyone to understand what it involves and why they would want to champion that one option. It's the lifelong, ramifications of that decision that this woman is choosing to embark on one of those three roads. And the road of adoption, I just think can be so beautiful.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Terri you talk about the. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

Terri Marcroft: If I could share a little bit about our birth mother that gave birth to Sydney, my daughter. She, we didn't hear from her for the first four years of Sydney's life. And that was because she was heads down on make getting a college degree. So she was all about that for the first four years. And then after that she did contact me the Christmas that Sydney was in kindergarten. And she said, hey, I'm going to be joining the military. So I'm writing you just, and I'm going to join the military. I'm going to request to be sent to some dangerous zones. And I'm writing because, in case I don't come back, I would like to have spent some time with Sydney. And so we had her over for a weekend that was the first time we'd seen her since we all left the hospital. And we had her over for a weekend. She spent that with us and got to know Sydney a little bit. And then she took off for her career in the military. And that was over 20 years ago. And so we heard from her now and then. She'd write cards from when she was sitting in an airport. She'd write a letter. We heard letters from her, we got letters from her probably monthly from then on. And our adoption became much more, more open after those first four years. And then she went on with her life and she got married a few years after that. She had a baby a few years after that. We went to her, ceremony in the military to cheer her on and to this day, now, 26 years later, she's still in the military, and so she's serving our country, which I think is just beautiful. But that whole path became possible because she chose adoption. And our whole country is benefiting from her service. And so I just couldn't be more grateful for her.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Terri, you know, to hear you talk about that, I think there's a lot of questions in people's minds and thinking, could I do that because of the uncertainty, just like you were describing, like there were times when you didn't hear from her and times that you did and the way that you described, you know, her, your journey with her is just absolutely beautiful. And such a great example of a redemptive narrative that came out of a situation that was unplanned. What would you say to families who are thinking, I don't know if I could have that kind of openness? It kind of goes back to the fear we were talking about earlier. Where does your faith come into that? How do you see God at work in that and giving you the capacity to love both mother and baby through that journey? Because ultimately the mother's involvement with the, with, with Sydney was, was a beautiful thing, was a thing that was healthy.

Terri Marcroft: It is a beautiful thing. And the. So trust in God for one thing, that if you pray daily for direction, you know, it comes in the most surprising ways. But for us, it came, partly from my friends asking questions about how we were able to do our adoption. And that made me dig into the statistics we mentioned earlier. But also once Sydney was, you know, two or three, you know, kids start asking questions and you have a choice to answer them honestly or to cover it up. And if you answer them honestly with the information that they are ready to digest at that time, you know, because this whole story wouldn't be appropriate for a 2 year old, but it was appropriate for a 13 year old. And so I was giving her more and more of the story every year when I thought she could, you know, digest it and understand it. But she knew all along that I felt like God brought her and her birth mother into our lives because he put us through all these trials in, early in our marriage and then finding out, that my whole lifelong ministry was supposed to be about adoption, that was a surprise. And, and if you continue to just pray for direction, who knows where it's going to lead. But it's been leading to this amazing story of unplanned good and all the work that we've been able to do. And. But the other beautiful Benefit of, Sydney asking questions all along the way is that, when you answer those questions honestly and you don't try to cover it up. And now with open adoption, we're a lot more honest about our adoptions. We don't try to hide them from the children anymore, the adoptees. But always answering her questions honestly gave us an amazing relationship. Because now at 26, she can come with any question, and she knows that she's going to get an honest answer from me. And it's, it's made us very close because there's a foundational trust between us. I will never lie to her. I never have. And that helps us to be very close today. So building that foundation of relationship is really, a side benefit that I never expected.

Dr. Jessica Peck: And, and that is that. That's the beautiful picture of it.

Terri says adoptive parents have the authority to raise their children, decide what's best for their children

Now let's talk about the other side of it. Say when may relationship doesn't go well, and you talked earlier about needing boundaries, what would that look like? because I think that, you know, there's some people who will be thinking, oh, my goodness, you know, what, what if, what if this doesn't end up like, your story did? What if there is a need to put some boundaries there? What does that look like for open adoption, Terry?

Terri Marcroft: Well, still, the adoptive parents do have the, authority to raise their children, decide what's best for their children. So, if the adoptive parents believe that the birth mother is unsafe for whatever reason, and there's a whole lot of different circumstances that would say this person is unsafe, if that's the case, the adoptive parents are still the parents, and they get to make the decisions, of course. And so we make those judgments all the time that we don't want our daughter running into the street, and we don't want to put her into other circumstances that would be unsafe. And so those boundaries, they come naturally to us as parents, right? And so we, we honor those. We go with our gut. but the overwhelming love that we have for our kids is what makes us want to do the right thing. And there's always more room in your life and in your heart to love more people and to be loved by more people. And if that's the foundation for the open adoption, it just sorts itself out. It truly does. Truly does.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I think that's beautiful. And there's a lot of people who are thinking, oh, I don't know if I would want the messiness of that relationship. And what I would say to those people, Terri, is that if you have a perfect family and you don't already have messy relationships, whether it's in laws or whether it's your own parents or your siblings, every family has messy relationships. And in this way, I think in some ways it can be an advantage with more structure, more openness, and really kind of a fresh start in that relationship. And so it's good to know about all of those possibilities along the way. But ultimately, who's going to benefit is the child who longs to know where they came from, what is their life story, and being able to share with them that, you know, their. Their life has purpose and meaning, and they are deeply loved by many people in many ways. And God has put people in their life to serve them in different ways, to meet their needs in different ways, and that they have more people who love them. I think that's a beautiful story to be able to tell a child. And you mentioned earlier, Terri, you know, the fact that we're talking more about adoption. I think probably everybody's seen some sort of cartoon sitcom where, you know, the kid finds out that they're adopted, and usually it's presented in a joking kind of way. But you're right that that's not the narrative. That's not the norm anymore. There may be some people who see a family who's having an adoptive journey who think, oh, I don't really know what to say. Like, do you mention it? Do you not. What can you speak. What words of wisdom can you speak to that?

Terri Marcroft: I think if we have presented adoption well to the child, and we've kept that child at the front and center of all the other decisions and all the other narratives, at least in my experience, there's not a lot of regret, about the situation. You know, my daughter, when she decided to tell her 8th grade friends, I remember because we were on our 8th grade trip to Mexico, and all the kids were in one room and all the adults were in another room. And one of the. Her teacher came in and said to me, sydney just told all of her friends that she was adopted. Is that true? And I said, yes, it is. And she got to share when she was ready to share it, and she felt good about it. You know, she felt like, here's my mom. How cool is that, that she's on a field trip to Mexico with me? And so she was, she was boasting is what she was doing. She was proud of our situation, and she felt comfortable sharing that with her friends. And so I think that you. You try to foster a healthy outlook, and there are a lot of ways that you can do that but overriding by just telling her that, you know, her, her adoption plan was made out of love and her adoption happened out of love. And so from both, angles, from the side of her birth mother and from the side of us as adoptive parents, it's all about loving her and, and, and of course that's positive.

Dr. Jessica Peck: And we haven't even scratched the surface. We haven't even talked about ways that the church can step in and so support families who are choose mothers who are choosing adoption, families who are choosing to adopt. And you can find out more at unplannedgood.org Terri, we are in our last couple of minutes together. The time has gone by so fast. In just a minute or so, would you give, would you like to give just a last message of encouragement? Is there any last words that you'd like to say to share with our listeners, to take home?

Terri Marcroft: If I could just wave my magic wand and have every adult in the states understand open adoption. That includes the church. There's one chapter in my book about the church and calling them to action. There's so much more that we can do to, to do a better job actually of embracing these women rather than looking backwards in time and shaming them. Just start right here today and help them make a good decision moving forward. So I'd love to see the church, church step up to that, but education for everyone is the first step.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Terri, thank you so much. I will join you and wishing I could wave my magic wand. But in the meantime, I will pray that. I pray that, that the eyes of the church would be opened to open adoption and be able to support families. And wherever you are listening today, wherever you're doing, I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face Shine upon you. Thanks for joining in. We'll see you right back here next time.

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Jeff Chamblee: Opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.